Essay Writing and Depression

Right now, I am staring at my computer trying to write 1000 words on Eating and Sleep Disorders in children, when all i want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. 

I have no idea why, but i just want to cry. I can either sleep or write a blog, these 2 things are the only thing that doesn’t involve going outside, that make me feel better. I don’t want to be the person who sleeps 24 hours a day, i don’t want to feel sick to my stomach after i eat something. I just want to be normal. I want to be productive. I want to get my writing flow back. Instead of these things, i am left with these. A big heap of useless shite. I’ve tried motivational videos, I’ve tried cuddles from my dog, I have no idea what will get me out of this depression fog. And the crazy thing is, i don’t know why. I don’t know why i want to cry, i don’t know why i want to die, All i want to do is hide away in my bed. The world just seems too harsh today, too overwhelming, too judgemental. All of this and i haven’t even been outside yet. The only person i’ve spoken to today is my mum, my sister and my other half. I just want it to be over.

I always think that depression will leave you when you’ve learnt all you can from it. I’ve spent 6 years, going to counselling, learning about what caused myself to turn into a monster but nothing has worked. I need to write this essay, but how can I, when all i want to do is cry into the warmth of my duvet. My bed is my sanctuary. It emotionally holds me together. Sometimes the warmth and love of a duvet is the only thing that can make anything better. My tutor told me that depressed people sleep to get away from the world. I somehow find comfort in it, to reminise about the past, and it is nice to not be in control of your dreams. I usually try and analyse them, and it helps a little. 

I am just tired of not doing anything. I am tired of writing shit. I am tired of one day being okay, and the next feeling like i want to die. I know I have a purpose, but right now i feel like I’m worthless. Everything i write has no purpose, no structure. But writing and education is who I am. It is where my purpose and my strengths lie. And if i don’t have that, i don’t have anything bar a useless sack of uncontrollable emotions. 

It’s a horrible downward spiral, you reject love because you don’t feel as though you deserve it, but then you don’t receive it so it reinforces the thought that you are unloveable. It sounds crazy but the only safe place is my bed and my duvet. 

I think i may have to return to my duvet cave. 

Love 

Claire 

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Opening a Box

‘…You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.’  Alice in Wonderland

Right, I’m new to this whole blog scene thing, so please bear with me! I’m still learning!

With regards to my previous post….wow……just wow. I posted that post (you post a post, right?), on Facebook to my closest friends and the response was overwhelming. On Sunday i cried so many tears, not of sadness, of relief. It was like a box had somehow been opened, a box of which i thought was filled with demons, a box of which i had hidden since i was 18, a box of which i had lost friends over, had made me hit rock bottom so many times, and a box that held my deepest fear; rejection. I thought that if i had showed people this box then i would ultimately lose everything, my job, my close friends and ultimately be the embarrassment of my family.

I opened this box to my estranged dad. He told me when i was really ill (aged 18) that my mum hadn’t let him be in my life. When i relapsed slightly last year (May 2013), he called me a ‘crack pot’, a ‘nut job’, an embarrassment and that he had never wanted to see me again. He didn’t and still doesn’t realise how these words have affected me. He refuses to acknowledge that he had said these nasty words but believes that i took these words the and i quote ‘the wrong way’. I’m sorry, if someone calls you a ‘nut job’ you know they think your bat shit crazy. In a strange way it has made me want his affection and his love so much more, that’s the game i guess. I used to think that by gaining is love and affection, it would somehow cure me. But the truth is, i will never get it. I succeeded in academics, that didn’t gain his acceptance, i reached out to him so many times, sending him cards, ignoring his harsh words and ignoring his emotionally withdrawn and emotionally depleting demure.  No matter what i do, nothing will ever be good enough to gain his acceptance. People tell me that it is ‘his problem’ not mine. But surely your father is meant to love you regardless, when you see other dad’s love their children, no matter how much they screw up, it’s so painful. You begin to internalise this ‘why isn’t he interested?’ and begin to think that it  is your fault, even if it isn’t. I hate it, but i am one of those people who have ‘daddy issues’. If you also have daddy issues, feel free to inbox me and we could start a club…..The Daddy issue club of America (well i live in the UK, but the Daddy issue club of the UK doesn’t have that ring to it)

I thought that by opening the box to my closest friends, i would lose everyone. I was wrong. They all sent me kind words of support and love, it brings me to tears now about how amazing they have been, people who i’ve know less then a year and very close friends who i thought would reject me have just been so amazing. I suppose, even if you don’t feel like your worthy of love or acceptance, other people do. It’s definitely not healthy to have an external locus of control, basically where your self worth is governed by others, however, maybe i can internalize it?

Depression is hard. It’s a journey, you feel like you should make on your own. I have repeatedly told my mum and my other half that ‘i feel like 1 solider going up against a whole army’. You don’t want to burden the people who love you, even though they may want to help. Depression is a lonely place, like a deserted island, where you are the only one, and you believe that you do not have the strength and or the ability to survive on your own. But, even if help arrives, you reject it because you think that no-one should help you, and that you deserve to go through this hell on your own. I used to go on depression forums and read the posts and say to myself ‘yeah, that’s how i feel!’ or ‘i want to reach out to that guy’ but i never had the courage to, I always thought ‘They’re worse then me, they won’t want to know’. There are so many people feeling like this, but you feel like your on your own and no-one will understand, or if you speak out, that you will be ridiculed.

I’m so glad I opened my box and in turn I am beginning to think that maybe i’m not that awful, maybe i am okay. Either that or the Citalopram has kicked in! It just sucks that i feel like i will never get over this, and that i will always relapse. I’ve searched for 6 years to find the key for the lock of the box, but maybe there is no key, maybe there is just a hammer, a chisel and a spoonful of courage.

Thanks for reading

Claire

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Depression- Me but not me

A few weeks ago i was diagnosed as having had a relapse of depression, and it got me thinking, what must the people closest to me be thinking? Even though this blog may be a bit narcissistic, i wanted to explain to my friends and family why I am acting the way i am, whether it be strange or out of the ordinary. My brother has blogged about depression and he got a really good response to it, so i thought i might give it a try!

Since January 2014 i could feel myself slowly but surely relapsing, the odd thought of ‘your not good enough’ and just not enjoying life. One evening i went to my mum and cried about how i wanted to die and how i couldn’t take much more of these thoughts and feeling so bad. She made me an appointment with my regular doctor the next morning and lo and behold….I had relapsed…….woooo (sarcasm…..). So he upped me on my anti-depressants explained about CPD and sent me on my way.
Ever since then i’ve been trying and trying and trying to follow the CPD and try to counter act these horrible thoughts with ‘I am good enough’ etc. but depression is a horrible war that you have to fight, a war against yourself. It’s like being enclosed in four walls, with the walls shouting ‘your shit’ ‘why did you do that’ ‘your worthless’……and your get the picture. You then start to see the evidence of these thoughts in everyday life e.g. i’m so worthless i can’t believe i did that wrong. I’ll give you an example, i can’t complete all of my essays this year, so that reinforces the thought that i am worthless, stupid and can’t do anything. It’s a really horrible cycle.
You then begin to try and guess what others around you are thinking and use that as evidence for these horrible thoughts e.g. Why did i talk to that person in that tone. You even try and guess what strangers are thinking! I’ll give you an example: The other day i was driving in the right lane as i needed to turn off, someone in the left lane overtook me, i thought to myself ‘He thinks i shouldn’t be in this lane, i’m so stupid i shouldn’t be here’.
You then begin to overanalyse yourself in social situations. For example, the previous day i had gotten the wrong pizza, a really good friend said that he would take it back, and i said it was fine (this continued for a few seconds) I then joking said really loudly ‘I’m hungry’. The next day, I am currently regretting saying that as people probably think i’m strange or crazy.

All of this, makes me nervous in social situations, i wonder what people think and how i could’ve done something differently. If i am quiet, or a bit strange it’s because i’m thinking or over-analysing. If i am a bit off, it’s not because of you, it’s because i’m stuck in my own mind and i can’t seem to think about anything else. If i seem to only talk about myself and using you as an emotional dumping ground, I am really sorry, I just can’t seem to think about anything else and I am ready to explode. If I am taking a while to respond to texts, i just can’t deal with social stuff and that second. If I am napping, it means the day has been overwhelming and i have to get away from life for a bit.

The truth is, I just want to be normal. I want to be better. I don’t want to feel as though i am going to break down and cry whenever i am out of the house. I don’t want to lean on so many people. I don’t want to act strange or weird, I just want to be myself again.
I just wanted to write this to explain why I may be a bit weird and a bit odd.

I didn’t want to write this blog for sympathy, i just wanted to explain to people why I can be a bit socially inept, a bit of a hermit and act a bit strange sometimes.

Thanks for reading and thank you to all you lovely people who have helped me and listened to me so far.
Even though everyday is pretty much a mission and i think about ending it pretty much everyday, i know i can’t as i have amazing people in my life, and i don’t want to let anyone down.
Thanks again
Claire
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