The Hurdle

I started listening to a motivational video in youtube (I will post the link at the bottom), it made me believe that I mattered. That was the first time in my life that i believed that I actually mattered – how sad is that? I begun to believe that i had a purpose and all of this bullshit that i was worth something blah blah blah! It made me begin to accept my feelings of anger and hurt, instead of repressing them by sleeping. I thought i was completely over this depression thing, but no.

I suffer from eczema and it has literally taken over my face, my eyes are so swollen that i can hardly see. Yesterday, at work i did everything wrong, i had around 3 bolockings at work (for letting the children play and standing up for myself), my mum used me as an emotional dumpster (Robert Wasker uses that phrase), my other half fobbed me off for the 2nd time in 2 weeks, saying we will do something but then dropping me as soon as he sees his man friend. I understand people need time away from their other halfs, but i see him one day a week. This doesn’t upset me, what does upset me, is being 2nd best to everyone and everyone, to have an action that isn’t even that bad reinforce your horrible thoughts that your a piece of shit, with a teeny tiny voice saying ‘you matter’. So no i am not over this.

The only thing I am good at, University, telling me that i needed to write my essay again, as it wasn’t ‘me’.

This week has been pretty shite. it’s crazy how a few setbacks can move you back so many spaces. I don’t want to be know as ‘the sensitive one’ the ‘one who needs reassuring’ etc. It fricken sucks. I just want to be my own person again. At the moment, i am so sick of people, and ready to burst into tears at any moment. Does anyone know this? no. I refuse to be labelled as the ‘sensitive one’ that is not who i am. This piece of shit is not me.

The sun is shining outside, but i don’t want to enjoy it. I want to cry in my bed. I don’t want to be labelled as depressed, the one who needs looking after, as i really don’t. I just want to feel better. Okay this post has made me cry. great. I think i might give up for the day, i really can’t be bothered to fight this stupid mental disease thing anymore. I don’t want to be part of the ‘depressed club’ I want to help people. I can’t help people if i feel like this. I’m going to go to bed and cry.

I just want to hide. My mum has brought her other half around and i want to cry. I am putting on a smiley face but i want to cry my eyes out, crawl into a ball, turn my phone off and hide from the world. I feel like no-one loves me, even though they do.

It seems to be in cycles. I can’t concentrate on anything, i am emotionally stunted and apathetic (sorry to be to embarrassingly ’emo’) whereby i can not feel anything towards anyone or anything. I really have no idea how long i can hide my tears.

Love

Claire

 

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