You can’t fix what you can’t see, It’s the soul that needs surgery
I’ve wanted to do this blog post for a while, but never got round to it, and plus i wanted to do, but also didn’t want to do it. Little bit ironic, but i thought i would do it anyway.
What has struck me is how ambivalent depression is. I want to live, but i don’t want to live. I want to not hurt my family anymore, but if i commit suicide i will hurt them. Would i cause more pain to them if i lived, or if i died. Then i thought back to the ambivalence in childhood e.g. i want that toy, but i don’t want it as i want to have a screaming fit, i will give you this toy but i want it back etc etc. This i want it, don’t want it, really confuses me and is a massive conundrum that you have to mull over. You see, with my depression (other’s could experience it a bit differently), is exactly this. I always question if the world will be better of with me or without me, will i cause more pain by being here or by not being here. Ultimately it’s been the latter. However, that is where another question comes into my head, am i being selfish or selfless! Would i be selfish if i killed myself or selfless as i want to stop putting people through things. It just seems as though it’s just a constant barrage of ambivalent thoughts. I always think about ‘what will result in the least amount of pain’.
A lot of people, i’ve found have considered people who have committed suicide ‘selfish’. But i don’t think they are. I would consider them courageous, to put themselves first, ultimately, their pain has outweighed that of others. I may offend people by saying this, but i think it is relatable to the euthanasia debate. I mean if someone wants to end their life, who is in terrible pain, and the disease is terminal, then give them the choice to. Surely, it’s no-one else’s decision. I know i would rather see a dying family member or friend die a few days earlier and not experience the terminal disease’s full effect, then let them suffer the excruciating illness to the end, but then again that’s not my choice, it’s there’s. I just think that someone should be given a choice. Depression is excruciatingly painful, and at times i wish i could swap with that of terminal cancer patients, then we could both get what we want. I couldn’t possibly imagine the pain that terminal patients go through. I mean we euthanise animals, to prevent pain, why not humans?
After writing this can i just state that believe it or not i am not suicidal. I am a lot better then i was, still struggling at times, but a lot better (even though the lack of mental clarity sucks!).
Oh, i will explain the quote to! As soon as i listened to the song ‘Pretty Hurts’ by Beyonce and that line struck me. I thought about how people with self esteem issues etc would wish for a surgery to fix their soul or their illness. I know i do. But i guess our surgery is counselling and a anti-depressants. Unfortunately if you have self esteem issues, the only person who can cure that is you.
Till next time