Depression and it’s ambivalence (amongst other things)

You can’t fix what you can’t see, It’s the soul that needs surgery

I’ve wanted to do this blog post for a while, but never got round to it, and plus i wanted to do, but also didn’t want to do it. Little bit ironic, but i thought i would do it anyway.

What has struck me is how ambivalent depression is. I want to live, but i don’t want to live. I want to not hurt my family anymore, but if i commit suicide i will hurt them. Would i cause more pain to them if i lived, or if i died. Then i thought back to the ambivalence in childhood e.g. i want that toy, but i don’t want it as i want to have a screaming fit, i will give you this toy but i want it back etc etc. This i want it, don’t want it, really confuses me and is a massive conundrum that you have to mull over. You see, with my depression (other’s could experience it a bit differently), is exactly this. I always question if the world will be better of with me or without me, will i cause more pain by being here or by not being here. Ultimately it’s been the latter. However, that is where another question comes into my head, am i being selfish or selfless! Would i be selfish if i killed myself or selfless as i want to stop putting people through things. It just seems as though it’s just a constant barrage of ambivalent thoughts. I always think about ‘what will result in the least amount of pain’.

A lot of people, i’ve found have considered people who have committed suicide ‘selfish’. But i don’t think they are. I would consider them courageous, to put themselves first, ultimately, their pain has outweighed that of others. I may offend people by saying this, but i think it is relatable to the euthanasia debate. I mean if someone wants to end their life, who is in terrible pain, and the disease is terminal, then give them the choice to. Surely, it’s no-one else’s decision. I know i would rather see a dying family member or friend die a few days earlier and not experience the terminal disease’s full effect, then let them suffer the excruciating illness to the end, but then again that’s not my choice, it’s there’s. I just think that someone should be given a choice. Depression is excruciatingly painful, and at times i wish i could swap with that of terminal cancer patients, then we could both get what we want. I couldn’t possibly imagine the pain that terminal patients go through. I mean we euthanise animals, to prevent pain, why not humans?

After writing this can i just state that believe it or not i am not suicidal. I am a lot better then i was, still struggling at times, but a lot better (even though the lack of mental clarity sucks!).

Oh, i will explain the quote to! As soon as i listened to the song ‘Pretty Hurts’ by Beyonce and that line struck me. I thought about how people with self esteem issues etc would wish for a surgery to fix their soul or their illness. I know i do. But i guess our surgery is counselling and a anti-depressants. Unfortunately if you have self esteem issues, the only person who can cure that is you.

Till next time

Claire

xxx

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I feel shitty. Shitty. Shitty. Shitty. Oh and a bit more shitty! Depression sucks so much. Even though i’m not tearful, i hate going to work, i hate getting up, i hate eating, i hate driving, i basically hate doing anything that’s not sleeping. But you know what that’s ok with me. kind of. not. I want to be my old self again.
I hate the stigma of mental health. I feel so shitty right now and i don’t want to be here, but still for work i have to and i quote ‘put on a smile’. I will be deadly honest. I’m on probation at work for low performance. I have never been a ‘low performer’. I have never failed. But apparently i am. I used to be okay at my job and then depression set in woo! If my manager wasn’t so nice i would pretty much be sacked. I just don’t have any passion, energy, or a drive in me to do anything. Since the meeting I’m just getting my head down as much as possible and just trying to do my best and survive. I hate this so much. I’ve lost myself. And it’s just plain awful. I have no idea why. I don’t think there is a reason. I’m just constantly exhausted, but sleep won’t help. Yes i have been off sick because of depression, but i feel as though i was judged because of it. If someone with cancer had to take a week off most employers would understand that they could take a few months off to recover. But depression? nope. Want to kill yourself? can’t get up in the morning? feel so shitty? hate life? feel like a worthless piece of crap? Well just put a smile on your face and pull yourself together. DONT YOU THINK I’VE TRIED? I’ve upped my medication, I’m doing mindfulness, I’m taking a shit load of vitamins, but this brain fog just won’t clear. I just want everything to stop. The annoying thing is, no one can help you but yourself. And i am trying believe you me. I’m trying everything i possibly can, but this time it is not shifting. People judge you as lazy, sad and incompetent when depressed, and i am so fed up of it. I am just trying to survive. And that in itself is so hard. I don’t want sympathy, i just want to be okay. I just don’t care about anything anymore and i have never been apathetic ever!
I just feel as though the world would be better off without me. But sometimes i see a small light at the end of the tunnel, and i think that i will get better, but then that light goes out.
I feel guilty about feeling these thoughts. Guilty that I’m not dying. Guilty that I’m alive. Guilty that I want to die and that people with terminal illnesses don’t. If there was a pill that could make me better, i would take it. I literally would take any treatment right now- even shock therapy. Im desperate to get better. I just don’t know how.
Just because you can’t see mental health doesn’t mean that it’s not there, destroying your life. Like illness destroys the body.

Love
Claire
xxxxxx