I’m back (Jazz Hands!)

The human spirit is more powerful than any drug, and that is what needs to be nourished. Work, play, friendship, family: these are the things that matter. This is what we’ve forgotten. Simplest things.

 

So. I was sitting at the lunch table with my preschool children when i picked a banana up ‘helloooo banaphone’ I said. The 3 year olds laughed and began to pick up their bananas. ‘OHHHH i don’t have a banana!’ ”’OOO you have grapes you can just be hands free’ – holding a grape to my ear and another to my mouth. My colleague laughed hysterically – Was i back?ehhhhh?

When i got home I found out that someone had eaten all of my wheat free bread. Sacrilige! I then made a joke. ‘If you eat my bread. I kill you!’ in a weird accent. Okay maybe i’m back.

For the last few months i felt like I lost something, but i don’t know what. I felt empty and just trudged along. To be honest, before i had my work meeting, i didn’t realise i was ill. So what changed? Well i have no bloody idea. On saturday i spent some alone time with myself (oohhhh you dirty devils!) and i just slept and did the most amazing thing, NOT THINK. Yep. I didn’t think. Not about a thing. I just decided, to stop thinking and just do. I am just so fed up of this depression thing, i really am. I realised i also had been in denial about it.

Ever since i was on the pills, i’ve always said ‘oh well…i’m coming off them….I’m fine’ (in a up myself accent), not realising that i actually was not fine. Pretty much every couple of months when i had to explain about it i would say ‘oh well i am coming off them.’ ehhhhhhhh naaaaaaa! For the first time, i’m okay with not trying to get myself off the pills quickly. I want to get better, not get myself off the pills- does that make sense? Yeah, probably not. I’m more concerned with getting myself better, then what i thought was getting better (i.e. getting off the pills). What i thought was getting better, actually wasn’t.

I’ve come to a point where i don’t care what he thinks of me. As long as i am happy with myself, i will be okay. I am sick of hiding myself because of something my brain said. My uncle died recently, and even though he was a loving, caring man, he was unable to deal with whatever problems he had. I am so sick of psychoanalysing myself, i am sick of trying to find an answer in everything, i am just sick of trying to get people’s acceptance, I am sick of over thinking EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING, like should i eat out, or not.

It’s almost like i’m two different people. The happy go lucky person i am at the moment and the depressive loner. But the question is, which one is the real me? I may never know.

Also RIP Robin Williams. It just illustrates how depressed people can sometimes hide behind a mask. It also shows how depressed or sad people can try to make others laugh, as they don’t want others to feel as low as they did. But this is just speculation.

Love Claire

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