The human spirit is more powerful than any drug, and that is what needs to be nourished. Work, play, friendship, family: these are the things that matter. This is what we’ve forgotten. Simplest things.
So. I was sitting at the lunch table with my preschool children when i picked a banana up ‘helloooo banaphone’ I said. The 3 year olds laughed and began to pick up their bananas. ‘OHHHH i don’t have a banana!’ ”’OOO you have grapes you can just be hands free’ – holding a grape to my ear and another to my mouth. My colleague laughed hysterically – Was i back?ehhhhh?
When i got home I found out that someone had eaten all of my wheat free bread. Sacrilige! I then made a joke. ‘If you eat my bread. I kill you!’ in a weird accent. Okay maybe i’m back.
For the last few months i felt like I lost something, but i don’t know what. I felt empty and just trudged along. To be honest, before i had my work meeting, i didn’t realise i was ill. So what changed? Well i have no bloody idea. On saturday i spent some alone time with myself (oohhhh you dirty devils!) and i just slept and did the most amazing thing, NOT THINK. Yep. I didn’t think. Not about a thing. I just decided, to stop thinking and just do. I am just so fed up of this depression thing, i really am. I realised i also had been in denial about it.
Ever since i was on the pills, i’ve always said ‘oh well…i’m coming off them….I’m fine’ (in a up myself accent), not realising that i actually was not fine. Pretty much every couple of months when i had to explain about it i would say ‘oh well i am coming off them.’ ehhhhhhhh naaaaaaa! For the first time, i’m okay with not trying to get myself off the pills quickly. I want to get better, not get myself off the pills- does that make sense? Yeah, probably not. I’m more concerned with getting myself better, then what i thought was getting better (i.e. getting off the pills). What i thought was getting better, actually wasn’t.
I’ve come to a point where i don’t care what he thinks of me. As long as i am happy with myself, i will be okay. I am sick of hiding myself because of something my brain said. My uncle died recently, and even though he was a loving, caring man, he was unable to deal with whatever problems he had. I am so sick of psychoanalysing myself, i am sick of trying to find an answer in everything, i am just sick of trying to get people’s acceptance, I am sick of over thinking EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING, like should i eat out, or not.
It’s almost like i’m two different people. The happy go lucky person i am at the moment and the depressive loner. But the question is, which one is the real me? I may never know.
Also RIP Robin Williams. It just illustrates how depressed people can sometimes hide behind a mask. It also shows how depressed or sad people can try to make others laugh, as they don’t want others to feel as low as they did. But this is just speculation.