The older i get, the more experience i seem to have with death, whether that be of a family member, or a famous person, or simply someone living in the same island as me. It seems to follow us around like some bad smell sometimes. You just can’t get away from it.
Today a young man (24), died. He lived on the same island, probably walked the same streets, and interacted with the people that i saw walking in the hallways. What scares me, is this man was the same age as many, and younger then most, and had so much potential. Even though i did not know the man, i have been affected, and i don’t mean to offend anyone, trust me! I mean, he had so much potential. A life, a family. Yet now, he lives on in his family and friends. That scares the crap out of me. It shows that it could happen to anyone. You don’t know when your time is up.
Yesterday, a young boy died. Again, i am not a parent, but i would not wish that hell on the devil. Again, so much potential, so much love, so much growing and developing just halted, at a blink of an eye. I don’t know the circumstances, nor do i want to . I did not know the young boy, or the family, but my heart goes out to them. I could never understand the pain they are going through, nor do i want to.
Grief is such a raw emotion, and one that does not leave you but somehow gets more bearable in time; but an emotion, that i do not get. Whenever i think of someone dying (even in movies etc) i cry, or feel empty. During the film ‘The Purge’ I cried, during ‘Planet of the apes’, i cried, and i still can not watch horror films. When i see a person, i see potential, i see love, i see family members, I see the people who love them, i see how all of this, plus life experiences, have shaped them and made them into that particular person. How the people in their lives and their experiences have shaped their path. Today i thought about a family member who would not ever reach his 60th birthday, and it hurts. He should be enjoying his family, his friends, his children but no, his choices meant that he could not do this. Such choices meant that the 24 year old gentlemen could not experience his life past the age of 24; by this i mean if he didnt go travelling, or if he didnt go on that beach, not that he did anything wrong, far from it. No matter how much studying i do, i don’t think i will ever be able understand death. It is to raw, and in someways comforting. The longer the grief continues, the longer you can hang onto the illusion of the person that once was. I mean how are you meant to let go of someone that you loved so dearly. Over my 24 years, i have never learnt to do this, regardless of how long the death was ago.
I don’t mean to turn it around on me, but times like this make me think, what would of happened if my windows at Gloucester uni could open fully? The truth is, i probably wouldn’t be here writing about it. What if i had paracetamol, or pain pills, in the months that i locked myself away? Again i probably wouldn’t be here writing about it. It’s crazy how small little choices, can shape your life, and put you in a different direction. I’m a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, and that everyone has a purpose in life. Yes, i do feel guilty when i hear stories such as those above. I mean how come i lived when i wanted and prayed so desperately to die, yet others who live life to the full, and who crave experiences don’t get the same privilege i do. Yes i feel guilty. I used to want to swap lives with anyone who had terminal cancer, that way we would have both gotten what we wanted. But you know what. I’m glad i was given a second chance. I’m glad the window didn’t open fully, I’m glad i did not have paracetamol. But i have to live with the fact that i could have caused the amount of pain, that the families, that i have spoken about, are going through. I will always feel guilty. I guess this is my punishment. i will always feel guilty for living, whilst others who want to live, but can’t, don’t.
I apologise if i have caused any offence.
RIP and my heart goes out to those who have been affected by these two deaths