To my Family and Friends

To my family and friends,

From the bottom of my heart I’m sorry. I’m sorry about how depression made me so conceited, I’m sorry that depression made me only able to think of myself, I’m sorry that depression made me selfish. I don’t want to be like that – and that is not who i am. It made me forget that others were going through hard times to. It made me think that my problems trumped your problems. It made me focused on myself, only able to look at the ground, not what was going on around me. I’ sorry for being angry. I’m sorry for being irritable and I’m sorry for wanting to sleep. I’m so so sorry. That’s all i can say. When i reflect at how selfish i am, and how i cut myself off when i’m ill, i just want to forget. I don’t want to think about it, i want to pretend that it didn’t happen. So I’m sorry. I’m ashamed at how i acted, and ashamed at how much i spoke about myself.

So from the bottom of my heart, i’m sorry. I’m getting better. I really am.

Love

Claire

xxxxxxx

Grief

The older i get, the more experience i seem to have with death, whether that be of a family member, or a famous person, or simply someone living in the same island as me. It seems to follow us around like some bad smell sometimes. You just can’t get away from it.

Today a young man (24), died. He lived on the same island, probably walked the same streets, and interacted with the people that i saw walking in the hallways. What scares me, is this man was the same age as many, and younger then most, and had so much potential. Even though i did not know the man, i have been affected, and i don’t mean to offend anyone, trust me! I mean, he had so much potential. A life, a family. Yet now, he lives on in his family and friends. That scares the crap out of me. It shows that it could happen to anyone. You don’t know when your time is up.

Yesterday, a young boy died. Again, i am not a parent, but i would not wish that hell on the devil. Again, so much potential, so much love, so much growing and developing just halted, at a blink of an eye. I don’t know the circumstances, nor do i want to . I did not know the young boy, or the family, but my heart goes out to them. I could never understand the pain they are going through, nor do i want to.

Grief is such a raw emotion, and one that does not leave you but somehow gets more bearable in time; but an emotion, that i do not get. Whenever i think of someone dying (even in movies etc) i cry, or feel empty. During the film ‘The Purge’ I cried, during ‘Planet of the apes’, i cried, and i still can not watch horror films. When i see a person, i see potential, i see love, i see family members, I see the people who love them, i see how all of this, plus life experiences, have shaped them and made them into that particular person. How the people in their lives and their experiences have shaped their path. Today i thought about a family member who would not ever reach his 60th birthday, and it hurts. He should be enjoying his family, his friends, his children but no, his choices meant that he could not do this. Such choices meant that the 24 year old gentlemen could not experience his life past the age of 24; by this i mean if he didnt go travelling, or if he didnt go on that beach, not that he did anything wrong, far from it. No matter how much studying i do, i don’t think i will ever be able understand death. It is to raw, and in someways comforting. The longer the grief continues, the longer you can hang onto the illusion of the person that once was. I mean how are you meant to let go of someone that you loved so dearly. Over my 24 years, i have never learnt to do this, regardless of how long the death was ago.

I don’t mean to turn it around on me, but times like this make me think, what would of happened if my windows at Gloucester uni could open fully? The truth is, i probably wouldn’t be here writing about it. What if i had paracetamol, or pain pills, in the months that i locked myself away? Again i probably wouldn’t be here writing about it. It’s crazy how small little choices, can shape your life, and put you in a different direction. I’m a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, and that everyone has a purpose in life. Yes, i do feel guilty when i hear stories such as those above. I mean how come i lived when i wanted and prayed so desperately to die, yet others who live life to the full, and who crave experiences don’t get the same privilege i do. Yes i feel guilty. I used to want to swap lives with anyone who had terminal cancer, that way we would have both gotten what we wanted. But you know what. I’m glad i was given a second chance. I’m glad the window didn’t open fully, I’m glad i did not have paracetamol. But i have to live with the fact that i could have caused the amount of pain, that the families, that i have spoken about, are going through.  I will always feel guilty. I guess this is my punishment. i will always feel guilty for living, whilst others who want to live, but can’t, don’t.

I apologise if i have caused any offence.

RIP and my heart goes out to those who have been affected by these two deaths

Love

Claire

Hiding in the depression closet

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
― Jim Morrison

You know what sucks? The fact that people have to hide. They have to hide who they are, hide their feelings, hide everything about themselves, become someone who other people want them to be. ‘No they don’t’ you might say, but sometimes you do. I’ll give you one example, my manager told me to ‘fake it’ i.e. to put a smile on my face and be incredibly positive and over the top; so that is exactly what i have been doing. I’m chirpy to the parents and the children, and seem relatively normal, if not a bit chipper; but i haven’t been stopping at work, oh no, i have been faking this happiness for a while, and you know what, it makes me so unhappy. I am somewhat lying to myself all the time. People tell me ‘cheer up’ or something along those lines, and i say ‘i’m fine’ or smile. The only time I accept it, or i allow myself to accept it is when I’m alone. I don’t want to make others unhappy, or burden them with the constant sadness, dread and overwhelming to-ing and fro-ing of feelings of sadness and apathy. The feelings of constant loneliness, even when you have got the best boyfriend, friends and siblings you could ever ask for. I still feel alone in this world, like one solider going up against a whole army. People are there, and i know they care, but my mind doesn’t believe it unless them to keep showing me i.e. texting – which is stupid. But then, i ignore texts because i become overwhelmed. Yay, waterworks. I would give anything not to feel like this. The denial continues, with ‘i’m not depressed, i’m just tired’. After work i come straight home and go to sleep, even if i come home at 2. Yep i’m not depressed….just errrrrrr……tired…………Or i eat a load of sweet things…..yep….not depressed…..just errr…..hungry……

Depression also makes you so selfish, its ridiculous, but you can’t help it. All you can think about is your unhappiness, how tired you are, how overwhelming you are, how much of a burden you are, how much of a drag you are on people etc. I was recently reading an article discussing the selfishness of suicide. Yes it is selfish. But surely it is more selfish to let someone who is in a ridiculous amount of pain live on. Like surely it is selfish for the relatives of dying people to not let them commit suicide at a dignitas clinic. Suicidal people feel that the only way to help others, is for them to stop living. i don’t find this selfish, but rather courageous, in a weird messed up way, martyr like. (Ps i am not suicidal, just unhappy).

You know what also makes it even worse? Depression has ruined my life, ruined relationships, and ruined my dreams. I have always dreamt of being a child therapist, but i can’t. This depression won’t let me. Yet it has allowed others, who don’t even suffer, to jump on the bandwagon and become celebrities, like it’s a ‘cool’ thing. Yeah, that hurts. Especially when such people preach cures such as ‘stop those thoughts’ when CBT has a high short term success rate, but a poor longterm success rate. You could study mental health for years, and not know the cure. I guess depressed people are a lot like children; they need a lot of a love, attention and support. I work in a nursery, and i can honestly say, i love each and every one of those children to pieces, and to see them develop is amazing. Maybe that’s what therapists see. In a selfish way, working with children helps me a lot, I’m ashamed to say. Children are so accepting. I sometimes come in with white gloves (because of eczema), they ask ‘why are you wearing gloves’ and i show them my eczema, then they say ‘okay’. Yes it can be overwhelming at times, but when a meek child turns into a confident and bright child, it makes it all worthwhile. Or when a child with severe behavioural difficulties begins to show empathy and his or her behaviour improves dramatically, it makes it all worthwhile. But of course, society doesn’t see that. Your just a nursery officer, who is stupid, is paid £10,000 a year regardless of how many degrees you get.

To sum up, i feel almost like i am in the ‘depressed closet’ so to speak. Maybe when i force myself out, i will sing ‘i’m coming out!’. I guess society has a long way to go, before it accepts people of all disabilities, ethnicities, genders, and sexualities. Young children do, so why can’t we as adults?

Love

Claire

xxxxx

I’m sorry

I’m sat here, in a little bit of a tearful mess. why? i have no idea. My sister got married yesterday. I have an amazing boyfriend . I love my job. But still i feel like hell, unable to get out of bed. And i hate it. It’s been mustering and brewing for a few weeks, i was just waiting for the fall. When this happens, i let people down. A lot of people, who don’t deserve it, because i can’t cope. Because if i force myself to do things i get worse, and then let more people down. So, i would like to say a few apologies, but they probably won’t make a difference. I’m just sorry for being so awful and crap. 

1) sorry to my sister’s mother in law. I know i was meant to help you, i just couldn’t get out of bed, and when i did, i cried. I don’t like it when people see me like this. Sorry for being selfish

2) Sorry to my sister. I am sorry i left your wedding early. I just couldn’t cope anymore. 

3) I’m sorry to my other half. I promised to help him today, and i tried, but i just can’t. This man is the most amazing person who you’ve ever met, but all i do is let him down. A lot. The truth is, i don’t deserve him, and i really wouldn’t blame him if he said ‘see ya, you stupid. selfish bitch’. I really wouldn’t, because to be honest, i probably deserve it. He deserves better. 

WOAAAHHHHHHHH here comes the water works. I just want to be okay. But after 6 years, i probably won’t be okay. 

So i’m sorry. It won’t make a difference but thats all i can do.