“Everybody’s Changing and I don’t feel the same”
Okay, i shouldn’t be writing this now as i should be going to sleep, but i can’t stop crying.
I watched 2 movies; Good Will Hunting and (unintentionally) My Sister’s Keeper. Bad idea. Both are about moving on. One scene in particular (amongst many i might add) in Good Will Hunting struck a cord
If you don’t want to watch it then i will explain. Matt Damon’s character (Will) has so much potential but wants to stay as a builder in the same town, with the same friends. Ben Affleck’s character (can’t remember) tell’s him that the best part of his day is when he goes to pick him up at his house, and wonders if Will would have left, without saying good-bye, as Will has so much potential. I BALLED MY EYES OUT! So many people have left to fulfil their potential and each time it hurts to the bone. But it’s not about me. If it was my choice i would be 17 again and have my brother,sister and best friends around me. But then at 17 i was so unhappy. It seems like my life stopped at 17. Since then everyone has moved on and i’m still in a similar place. (Yep still bawling). My Brother is going to do amazing things, but this will mean i will hardly see him. When my sister got married i cried the day after as I thought i had lost her. Sometimes i think we don’t appreciate things when they happen.
It seems at the moment that everything is changing, I’m not a child anymore. My Mum reminds me now of my nan, i picture seeing my brother once a year, my sister maybe a few times a year. Basically a re run of my mother’s life, of seeing everyone a few times a year, and I’m not ready for that. I know people have to move on, but i can’t, i really can’t move on from the age of 17. I know i have so much potential, but i wan’t to feel safe to.
Like how to do you move on from bereavement and your childhood? I’ve tried and i just can’t. I sound so pathetic, needy and stupid i know. I know people have to move on and grow up, but the stupid person i am, i can’t imagine losing my family. I mean what if something happened, I would never forgive myself. My nan left my uncle, and he died. Ever since i can remember i’ve been petrified to leave the island in case someone dies. I get so frustrated with myself.
Don’t get me wrong i have amazing people in my life. But if you let someone go, you forget about them. I don’t ever want to forget, ever. I’m emotionally in debt to so many people, i don’t want to forget anyone. I feel like that will be an injustice. So much has happened since i was 17, but my brain can’t quite comprehend that. I’m so tired of the whole re-run thing. I did a mindfulness mediation thing, and there was a big hole just underneath my heart that seemed to hold feelings etc (if that makes sense). Once i connected with that hole, i cried like a baby, like i am doing now. I have clothes that i haven’t worn for years but i can’t throw them away.
There’s also that scene in My Sister’s Keeper where Cameron Diaz (spelling?) cries to her daughter as she is finally able to let her go. I just think that by letting go, you are moving on, pretending that they didn’t have a part of your life, like they never existed. I sound like a pathetic mess i know. I am not just my feelings, i am other things to, so why do my emotions take over?
I just find the whole growing up thing really really sad.
It really wouldnt surprise me if i got compared to the tearful girl in Mean Girls!