Moving On (short)

“Everybody’s Changing and I don’t feel the same”

Okay, i shouldn’t be writing this now as i should be going to sleep, but i can’t stop crying.

I watched 2 movies; Good Will Hunting and (unintentionally) My Sister’s Keeper. Bad idea. Both are about moving on. One scene in particular (amongst many i might add) in Good Will Hunting struck a cord

If you don’t want to watch it then i will explain. Matt Damon’s character (Will) has so much potential but wants to stay as a builder in the same town, with the same friends. Ben Affleck’s character (can’t remember) tell’s him that the best part of his day is when he goes to pick him up at his house, and wonders if Will would have left, without saying good-bye, as Will has so much potential. I BALLED MY EYES OUT! So many people have left to fulfil their potential and each time it hurts to the bone. But it’s not about me. If it was my choice i would be 17 again and have my brother,sister and best friends around me. But then at 17 i was so unhappy. It seems like my life stopped at 17. Since then everyone has moved on and i’m still in a similar place. (Yep still bawling). My Brother is going to do amazing things, but this will mean i will hardly see him. When my sister got married i cried the day after as I thought i had lost her. Sometimes i think we don’t appreciate things when they happen.

It seems at the moment that everything is changing, I’m not a child anymore. My Mum reminds me now of my nan, i picture seeing my brother once a year, my sister maybe a few times a year. Basically a re run of my mother’s life, of seeing everyone a few times a year, and I’m not ready for that. I know people have to move on, but i can’t, i really can’t move on from the age of 17. I know i have so much potential, but i wan’t to feel safe to.

Like how to do you move on from bereavement and your childhood? I’ve tried and i just can’t. I sound so pathetic, needy and stupid i know. I know people have to move on and grow up, but the stupid person i am, i can’t imagine losing my family. I mean what if something happened, I would never forgive myself. My nan left my uncle, and he died. Ever since i can remember i’ve been petrified to leave the island in case someone dies. I get so frustrated with myself.

Don’t get me wrong i have amazing people in my life. But if you let someone go, you forget about them. I don’t ever want to forget, ever. I’m emotionally in debt to so many people, i don’t want to forget anyone. I feel like that will be an injustice. So much has happened since i was 17, but my brain can’t quite comprehend that. I’m so tired of the whole re-run thing. I did a mindfulness mediation thing, and there was a big hole just underneath my heart that seemed to hold feelings etc (if that makes sense). Once i connected with that hole, i cried like a baby, like i am doing now. I have clothes that i haven’t worn for years but i can’t throw them away.

There’s also that scene in My Sister’s Keeper where Cameron Diaz (spelling?) cries to her daughter as she is finally able to let her go. I just think that by letting go, you are moving on, pretending that they didn’t have a part of your life, like they never existed. I sound like a pathetic mess i know. I am not just my feelings, i am other things to, so why do my emotions take over?

I just find the whole growing up thing really really sad.

It really wouldnt surprise me if i got compared to the tearful girl in Mean Girls!

Claire

xxxxxxx

The denial of the downward spiral

Hi everyone,

Before i go into the subject i wanted to talk about, i just wanted to discuss something.

Yesterday, i saw my father, in town. I said ‘hi dad’ but he blanked me. I then said ‘hi dad’ again, still a blank face and he walked past me. Robin said to just leave it. I couldn’t. I followed him and tapped him on the back. I’m ashamed at how much i want my father’s love.

He asked what i was doing,

i said i was still doing my masters degree

‘oh, i thought that only lasted a year’ (*just to add, i am in my 3RD YEAR of my masters as its part time*)

‘errr no, its part time’. Would you like to see Sarah’s wedding photo’s?

*laughing* errrr not now! I heard Stephen’s working at the garage?

He is yes, but he is looking for work in the UK. Have you spoken to Auntie Dulcie? (Just to add my uncle, who was my dad’s best friend died a few months ago aged 56, He did not go to the funeral as he decided to go on holiday that day. Auntie Dulcie is Uncle Martin’s mother. During my childhood, we were always there. They were really close)

‘No i haven’t’

‘But Dulcie is really struggling with it all’.

and that sirs, is the end of the conversation.

Writing about it brings me to tears. Which is sad. How can a man not be interested in his daughters wedding and not be interested in his best friend’s struggling family. I suppose the lesson here is, no matter what, you can’t make anyone care or love you, which is really sad. That doesn’t make it less painful. To be honest i am ashamed at how much i deeply want this man’s affection, even though i shouldn’t. It’s like a constant re-run of a show, that i can’t escape from. He lives down the road. I will always bump into him. I can’t get away from crappy memories. I think I have got to stop referring to him as Father but Alan. It’s crazy, so many more people treat me so much better, so why do i crave this awful’s man’s opinion of me?

ANYWHO!

What i actually wanted to write about was the downward spiral. On Friday i woke up tired and tearful, and i just needed to get through the day. Robin forced me to go to the cinema, and i felt a little better. Yesterday i cried. I went into my mum’s room but she was on the phone, that told me that she didn’t care. Robin was sleeping, so that illustrated that he didn’t care. So i sat in the hallway and cried. Yay. But the week before i had tried to come off my pills! And this week in particular i have been having lots of headaches, been comfort eating, felt exhausted, began to slur my words slightly. I put into google ‘brain tumour symptoms’ ‘lyme disease’ and ‘diabetes’; when it fact it was just depression symptoms. Again, the whole ‘i don’t have depression, i’m cured’ mentality comes to mind.

After the hallway incident (the hallway incident sounds cooler then ‘crying in the hallway) I woke robin up, and cried. I told him i felt worthless and that i shouldn’t be here. No matter what people say or what i tell myself, it’s like these thoughts are engrained in my soul – if that makes sense. It’s like feelings of worthlessness, stupidity, etc etc are engraved in me. When i’m feeling down i have thoughts of ‘well just die, people are better off without you, you don’t deserve anything nice’, blah blah blah. But i have to tell myself that this isn’t true, and that i deserve to be here. The only thing that makes me feel a little better is finding that people do care. But then it’s like a catch 22, as i don’t want to spend time with people when i’m sad.

On the plus side, I’m beginning to trust myself a bit more. Even though i have thoughts of driving off the road, i know deep down in my heart i won’t do it. So there is some progress.

And after 3 referrals to the Psychological Service, apparently number 4 is the charm!

I also realised that i wanted to study psychotherapy, so i could find out why I am the way i am. I found that relieving certain thoughts or experiences were comforting, no matter how awful. These experiences reaffirmed my thoughts, if that makes sense. Even though i find child behavioural patterns, child development, psychology etc so interesting, it’s maybe not the right career for me now. I think lecturing or teaching is. I google everything and want to know everything, i love education. Education post 18 is what made me happy, it gave me self-esteem and for the first time, at Chichester, it made me feel like i was worthwhile, like i was good at something (that was due to my amazing friends at Chichester, the amazing support and my amazing Jersey Friends and Family to, and Robin). Before Chichester, i felt stupid. I was finally good at something. So maybe lecturing or teaching post 16 is the career for me? Who knows.

I just wanted to add a Thank you. I really appreciate the love and support that my friends give me. When i don’t want to live anymore, i think about how i don’t want to cause you any pain. Also, i don’t write this blog for sympathy or pity, it just helps me work things through a bit. It helps to stop me feeling ashamed to.

Have a lovely Sunday everyone

Love

Claire