It’s hard to dance, with a devil on your back

Well….where do i begin? hmmm…….i think i will begin with Friday.

As i was finishing work, i picked up a document which stated ‘Claire Probation Report. How to deal with the Irritation of Eczema’. This combined with what i have written in my last post, didn’t really make me feel great. I mean is Eczema an issue? Really? I understand that she may want to help, but it still so patronising. Oh. And leaving out for everyone (including the owners grandchildren) to see……Great….Thanks for that….Way to make me feel good about myself. NOT.

Seriously, Just leave it alone. You win. I will moisturise my hands in the bathroom. Whatever seriously love, you’ve just created a bigger whole for yourself. I’m not unhygienic, i’m not lazy, I’m not rubbish. You know what? I’m a pretty hard worker when i’m feeling 100% and if you don’t see that, then you never will. The only person who has to deal with this pain is me, so please just leave me to it. I will even apply suncream in the toilet, if that makes you happy. Sorry i’m just really low at the moment.

Another thing that happened on Friday. My sister (i.e. my greatest supporter) is moving to then U.K. This is the best decision for her. But to be honest, i have no idea how i’m going to cope without her. She is my best friend. She picks me up. I can’t imagine a life without my sister. But i will have to. I feel like i’m loosing my sister. hellloooooo tears. But i’m just being selfish.

I’ve finished another round of antibiotics which mean another thing….CANDIDA! If you don’t know what that means, it basically a fungus, that gives you headache, brainfog, general shiftiness, depression, thrush, fungal infections etc etc SO that’s another thing to try and clear?

This, plus the pain of my skin, meant i was angry on Saturday. With me, what follows anger is depression. YAY! WOOOO!

I was meant to see friends on Friday, (i was umming and urrringggg) then my mum said ‘URRGGHHHHHHH IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE YOUR CAR, I HAVE TO TAKE STEPHEN *MASSIVE SIGH*. So then i felt awful. So awful. That women can really guilt trip.  I then shouted ‘FINE. HE CAN USE MY CAR!. So i stayed in miserable, with Robin (who obviously wasn’t happy to be there).

RIGHT NOW I REALLY HATE PEOPLE. woo tears.

Saturday, was ok. I was angry for a bit and took it out on Robin, but i apologised. On saturday however, all skin hell broke loose. Insomnia, hot sweats, constant itchiness and pain. A HELL OF A LOT OF PAIN. It’s mainly my face, shoulders, neck and arms. Whenever i move it hurts.

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I also have no idea what is going on with my life.

Everyone is getting pregnant, married, buying houses and i have no idea if i want to do the Birkbeck course. I was looking at jobs today and there was one for a Child Development administrator, for 27K a year (more than double my salary) i was going to go for it but then i thought, now is not the right time. Now is not the right time to start a new course. Now is not the right time to move jobs, no matter how potentially (notice i said potentially) discriminatory my Manager is.

Right now with everything, I’m struggling to see a silver lining. I just want to cry. There are people with worse problems, i know, but i can’t help feeling sorry for myself.

Now it’s time to pick myself up. And maybe sing Pocket Full of Sunshine in the shower (if it doesn’t hurt too much.)

Love

Claire

xxxxxxx

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