When the sun hides behind the clouds

So…..I’m 2 months 2 weeks into Steroid Withdrawal and i have developed the infamous ‘Red Sleeve’

My shoulders, seem to be getting better, i still can only wear baggy tops, but hey, at least i can wear tops! At the minute my arms and neck are probably the most painful. When i move, it feels like i’m tearing skin, even though the surface looks fine. I feel like my body is forcing the top layer of skin off. Whenever i move my shoulders, it feels similar. My face is now going through ‘burning phases. One minute it’s hot and burning, the next it’s not. My legs? well they are pretty much just chilling! I get the odd spot or to, but nothing compared to the oozy spots on my arms. My hands are pretty red and sore but okay. Believe it or not, i feel as though they are better than they were on steroids.

I’m not going to lie, these 2 months, i have had to get used to a lot. I’ve gotten used to the no shower thing, i’ve gotten used to the daily (sometimes twice daily) baths, the washing of my hair with a shower attachment, the loss of eyebrows, the insomnia and the constant intense itch. Another symptom is lack of energy. I had a very minor staph infection on my face, so i’m just finishing the antibiotics, maybe that’s the reason? To be honest, it could be so much worse. Right now, even though it sucks, i can deal with it. On some days i can fill my eyebrows in with an eyebrow pencil, and wear a teeny bit of mascara. I try and ignore the flakes in my hair and face.

Well if you’re not sad about your skin, what do you have to be depressed about?

Today has been awful. To be honest, i just want to cry. I had my work appraisal, and it was okay…not fantastic but okay. They said something that struck me. ‘We feel like your in the right place, to develop at this time’. hmmmmmm………To be honest 3 years after my BA, i never dreamed i would still be working in a nursery. Some days i am bored, and this is not what i have trained and worked for. She also said that she now considers me a Level 3. Yay……..So my BA degree and PGDip mean nothing….guess not.

I’m being melodramatic, but i feel lost. I want to go into counselling, but i need to get better. It feels like taking a year out, is giving up. I don’t want to give up. I feel like i can do more with my life. So why don’t i leave? It’s a mothering environment. Instead of being bitchy, it can be a very containing enviroment. I feel secure, like i’m being looked after. I’m being mothered. I wanted to say things to my manager today, but i didn’t, i defended myself a little, and let a few comments slide but why? I was told never to answer back to your parents. I don’t feel equal. I very much feel like a teenager, at university, whose lecture’s contain them. Right now i don’t have the confidence to say ‘i can do this’ or ‘no, that’s not right’ and hell, i want to, i just can’t. I don’t know why. Right now, i’m in a kind of helpless mentality. Even though nothing in my life is wrong, i’m unhappy. My manager said ‘we just want you to be happy, and enjoy being with the children’. Well i do. Until today, i did.

Even though i’m 25, i don’t feel like an adult. I feel at time like i am 18, and seem to revert to this helpless age. I’m 25, i should be more confident, happy and have a higher self-esteem. I’m sick of talking about confidence. Some days i have a voice, others i don’t. Today i don’t. I feel like i have a void. Even though my friends and family are pretty amazing, it’s still their. The only thing that filled it was studying.

It probably sounds stupid, but i feel there are signs telling me to stay at my current job. Just like the one above. But i also want to move on with my life. But i am scared. I am scared that i will move somewhere that i hate. I’m scared that i will be put in the same situation as i put myself in last time. I don’t want to go through that again.

I’ve applied to teach at a local college, i won’t get it, i don’t have the teaching qualifications. But i just want something to fill this hole.

OMG this post is turning so melodramatic!

Seriously though, i hope this is just symptom of TSW.
Love

Claire

xxxxxxxxxxx

Ps still fixing my iCloud. I will put photos of my skin up soon!

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