Rock Bottom

This week (and its only Wednesday) has been absolute hell and i’m only 2 months and 3 weeks into steroid withdrawal.

Monday, i woke up with a pussy fluid coming out of my eyes and ears. That was it. I broke. I went to the dr (not my normal dr i may add) and she said that they weren’t meeting my needs. She recommended that i go and see a private dermatologist who could prescribe me an immune suppressant. I’m sorry but you know when shit gets real is when you to go to a dr who wants to prescribe you ‘immune suppressants’. I feel that i would be in a worst position then i am, if i take them. The fatigue, brain fog and general groggy feeling will get worse.

So today, i went to an alternative health person. He took my a sample of my blood and put it under the microscope. It was full of fungus, deformed red blood cells, a lack of haemoglobin and clustered cells. So after i beat Candida, thanks to 3 infections and 3 loads of antibiotics, i have it again, but this time in my blood, not in my digestive system. Yay.

I literally can not take anymore. This isn’t a life. Everyday is about getting through the day. So far this week all i’ve done is sleep. I don’t feel depressed, just apathetic. Literally if this state of ‘brain fog’ carries on, i will take an overdose. I am desperate. I can’t think straight. I’m literally fed up of everything. I wrote this to the TSw group last night:

Sorry I need to rant. Feel free to bypass it

I can’t cope anymore. Tonight my friend chopped a good 4 inches off my hair because I couldn’t wear it down anymore. I am so thankful that I still have my hair.
But what did we all do to deserve this hell?
I’ve always followed rules, respected my elders and refused to step out of line. Where has that got me? 6 years of anti depressants, unemployment, a current poorly paid job (I’ve taken too many sick days off so it’s unlikely someone else will hire me)
I’m 25 and what do I have to show for it? A degree and a possible postgraduate diploma. Big woop.
Whilst most of my friends are enjoying their lives, buying houses, getting married etc I’ve never really had a life. Even at uni I used to hide myself away, not letting myself enjoy anything. If it’s not my skin, it’s candida, if it’s not candida it’s my depression. What the hell. I went to a new gp yesterday and she said that the system is not meeting my needs and that I should consider seeing a private derm, who may let me have immune suppressants.
I’m sorry this is getting ridiculous. I’m fed up of having baths everyday. I’m fed up of being ill. I’m fed up of not sleeping. I’m fed up of the burning. I’m fed up of the pain. I’m fed up of the itchiness. I’m fed up of not living anymore. I’m fed up of the ooze. I’m fed up of the smell. I’m fed up of the flakes. I’m fed up of the baggy clothes. Im fed up of everything. My goals are to just get through the day.
I have no idea what I did to deserve this shit, I’ve always tried to be the best person I can. I will help anyone. I’m sorry but we don’t deserve any of this. It’s not fair
I know people are worse off then me, I’m just feeling sorry for myself to

I know that people are worse off then me, but right now, i feel as though there is no hope. I can’t keep living like this, or not living. I pray that these supplements work. Right now, i have nothing to lose.

The weird thing is, i’m not tearful thinking about dying, or writing suicide notes. I’m very apathetic about it. I would write one for everyone, who is closest to me. I wouldn’t want people to be sad, as i would be in a better place. Everything is a fight, and i don’t know how much fight i have left. Literally it’s one thing after another. It never stops.

But i don’t feel as though my time is up yet. I feel like i have got more to achieve and to live for. I feel as though i’m hanging on by a thread. Just surviving. I pray those supplements work.

Love Claire

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One thought on “Rock Bottom

  1. I know when you’re feeling like this it’s hard to see the things you’ve done as positive, but a degree and a postgraduate diploma is a massive deal! So so many people haven’t done that! And no you’re not in the place you want to be right now, but you’re working towards it. Don’t beat yourself up because your life isn’t where you thought it would be 10 years ago, I’m pretty sure no one’s is. And I can’t possibly begin to imagine the pain and the struggle you’re going through, but don’t go through it alone, you know we’re always here for you. You’ve made such a brave step going off the steroids in the first place, I know you’re strong enough to get through it. You have so much more to give to the world 🙂 love you lots xoxoxoxox

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