Losing who you are

Well. Where do i begin? I have no idea.

I hate how a stupid pill can change your personality. I’ve changed from 30 to 20mg as frankly, I’ve had enough of those things.

Even though I’m coming to terms with things, its made me questions myself yet again, like everything does.

In a sea of TSW, anxiety, family issues, work issues etc etc i seem to have turned into this horrible narcisstic person, who will happily sell anyone down the river. But that is not who i am. Well then what happened? I have no idea.

I came to the conclusion this week, that Mum will never take care of me. She will never be the person who i want her to be. Which is fine, but that still leaves a hole. I want to be taken care of, ‘fine i will look after myself’ i said. Instead of fighting everything, to just accept things. But the only problem with that is, instead of looking for a mother figure, or being a mother figure, i’ve just been looking after myself. Not thinking of anything else. I’m so driven to try and prove myself that i forget other people. I forget who i am, i forget everything except academically or financially being someone that people are proud of. I just forget the other stuff.

I don’t want to be this person. I want to be proud with who i am, i want to accept myself, but theres a problem when your self esteem is entwined with your mums and dads. 2 people of which you can never please, who will probably never give you what you need.

Right now, i hate people. That’s the truth. Behind every face is someone who is going to be a dick to me. I trusted that dr, and i allowed that dr to make me feel worthless and insignificant. People who i view as ‘above me’ are jerks. They put me down, but i want their approval, and i will do anything for it. I don’t understand why i can’t be happy as i am. I hate these stupid pills.I hate stupid narcissistic me.

I feel like i’ve got to encompass everything. Encompass all these traits. Be nice, but assertive, be confident but humble etc etc I’m sick of trying to be these different things. What’s wrong with the nice me? Well you get stepped over and no-one appreciates nice people, and that is the truth. Nice people do finish last.

The sad thing is, i miss being able to me. I miss being caring etc but the problem is i can’t as certain people take advantage, and then i feel worse.

I’m meant to be all these different attributes, let people in, but be defensive, protect myself. I can’t do it anymore. Mum and dad have hurt me to the core. I have given everything to each of them and it’s either been thrown back in my face, or abused time and time again. Honestly, i need to get out of this house, this isn’t healthy. I’m turning into someone i hate.

I want to do counselling, but not like this, not being the person i am.




Today, i went to the dr pretty scared. But i was dismissed like i was stupid and crazy. I have decided to send the letter to the dr in question. Here it is:

Firstly I want to thank you for your previous help with regards to my Mental Health. I will always be appreciative of that. However, I wanted to speak to you about your appointment with me yesterday and my disappointment at how I was treated by you.

I came to you sick and scared. You made me feel like a stupid and crazy. If you didn’t have the answer, you should of said ‘sorry I don’t know what’s wrong, your tests seem fine. I don’t know what to do’. Instead you labelled my Topical Steroid Withdrawal (TSW) Eczema as a simple ‘inconvenience’. You made me feel crazy, like I had made it all up.

I understand that you do not believe in Topical Steroid Addiction, and probably won’t read the attached research study, or the 300 references that I have provided. However, spending most of my weekends, afternoons and evenings in the bath is not just ‘inconvenient’. Wearing only baggy clothes is not just ‘inconvenient’. Having weeping and burning skin is not just ‘inconvenient’. Having your body temperature go haywire, is not just ‘inconvenient’. Bandaging your hands and arms is not just ‘inconvenient’. You see my point. It is life changing. So please, do not label eczema (actually TSW) as just simply an inconvenience. The last 4 months have been hell, and you labelled it like it was nothing. Dismissing me like I was crazy. Other people have it so much worse than me. I hope you don’t dismiss anyone else with this condition, like you have me.

Then we spoke about the ‘brain fog’, ‘shakiness’, ‘headaches’, ‘breathing difficulties’, ‘falling asleep throughout the day (even though I had slept 10 hours the nights before). It is pretty scary to not know what is wrong, and to be labelled in so many words as a ‘hypochondriac’ is somewhat insulting. It is pretty scary not to be able to think clearly. It is pretty scary to feel ‘drunk’ most of the time. It is pretty scary to almost lose your job over an undiagnosed condition. Yes, I do not have a medical degree, but I am not stupid. I understand basic degree level biology, which includes the role of insulin. I came to you frightened, but you dismissed me. You said that I may need more stimulation in my job, and suggested a change of job. You put everything down to depression and confidence issues. After living with the condition for coming up to 7 years, I know how my body works. This is different. I know it is. When I disagreed, you put it down to confidence issues, somewhat dismissing me again. If I worked in another field such as finance or medicine other than childcare, maybe you would have treated me with a little more respect.

You may think I am a hypochondriac and I quote ‘finding answers’ to my eczema, and I do respect your opinion, and I will find an answer. I will however agree to disagree with you that these answers do not exist. I understand that you were trying to give me a ‘reality check’. I know when something is wrong and when something isn’t. I know my body. I know when something doesn’t feel right. I was and am, so desperate for help that I paid money for a DNA test to find out what I could do to get better. Instead of realising that the patient in front of you was desperate and then reassuring them, you dismissed me, like i was nothing.

What I wanted to say, is that I don’t want any other patient of yours feeling as I did, yesterday. Feeling stupid, useless and that I was wasting your precious time. This wasn’t helped by the fact that my appointment was delayed by an hour, because an elderly lady had been waiting longer than me, even though her appointment was after mine. However, I do accept the reasons why this was so, you saw that her needs were greater than mine.

I do not want any other patient feeling the way that you made me feel. I came to you in need, and you dismissed me. There were nicer ways to say ‘you are a hypochondriac’. I hope that if you ever become so ill and so scared, I wish you a better Dr, than you were to me yesterday. No-one deserves to be dismissed, like I was. I also hope that if your children ever feel as sick and as scared as I have these past 4 months, than I wish them a better Dr than you were to me. It makes me ashamed that i paid £22 pounds to feel ignorant and manic. i hope from now on you treat patients with the respect they deserve, as you as a caring professional, have a right to do that.

Yours Sincerely

Claire Le Quesne

Dear 16 year old Claire

So for my therapy, i had to write a letter to my 16 year old self. My Hautlieu years had an affect on me. I feel that now i am actually healing. I am going to the dr about a diabetes test, i am going to a holistic dr and i am going to a therapist.

So here is my letter:

Well. Where do is start? Right now I want to curl in a ball and sleep, instead of writing this letter but here goes.

My Hautlieu years have pretty much followed me around like a big shadow, and frankly they don’t need to be. 2 years is such a short and insignificant time compared with an average persons life.

Dear 16 year old Claire,

First off these 2 years will be hard. You will experience beareavment, rejection, failure and you pretty much have to fight for your self-esteem, which you didn’t. You let others tell you that you were ugly and stupid, and you absorbed it. You thought you were different and insignificant, but your not.

First off Biology- At the age of 25 you still love this subject, so don’t let one class put you off a whole subject. Mr Swanwick teaches in a particular way, one that means you don’t absorb the information because of your Dyslexia (Yeah, you will find that out at University – yes you do go). As Einstein said, ‘Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish by it’s ability to climb a tree, he will always fail’. You do not learn by copying off a board, and that’s okay. Often the grade reflects the teacher, not the ability of the student. As a 25 year old woman, if you were given another teacher, you would have done better. But remember, a grade of a paper does not define who you are. It will take you a long time to understand this. The unfortunate thing is that you rely on external sources for your self-esteem. That only ends in failure. Then there is Chemistry. Mr Falle is a douche. End of. He wouldn’t let you try, because he wanted to keep the grade average up, and didn’t want people reducing the grade point average.

On top of your dyslexia, you also have something else affecting your learning, something which is still affecting you today. Brain Fog. Yeah this is real thing. You know those stomach pains, stomach noises, diarrhea etc? Yeah that’s due to ibs and because your intolerant to wheat and dairy. When you eat wheat your brain can’t think straight. You will only find this out in the last years of you’re a levels. You could also be diabetic, but I’m waiting for those tests. Your body is also addicted to steroids which causes, yeah you guessed it headaches. Brainfog, tiredness etc. All these things meant that you were pretty much set up to fail. But you didn’t. This included your driving test. You passed on the 3rd time. This was due to anxiety, not due to your ability. Your not stupid compared with your friends, you just learn differently.

You will become scared of food. Scared that everything will make you ill. You will eat healthily but that included sandwiches and soups which contained wheat and dairy, so you will live off chewing gum. This fear of food will carry on till you have a break down at 18/19. Please see a dr earlier. You are ill. It’s not your fault.

Then there’s that one person, Lauren. The one who makes jokes about how stupid you are, about how ugly you are and jokes about pretty much all your flaws. The thing is Claire, she is just jealous. She is obese and short. The funny thing is, she will be the first person (except Kelly) to have a baby. You will achieve a MA degree, she won’t. You will achieve a 1st, she will achieve a 2nd. These 2 years, don’t have to define you but you let them. You let people define you, and that’s where the problem lies.

That boy you were crazy over? Yeah, he is pretty much is a douche. He isn’t interested, and will string you along for the next year. But he isn’t all that. He is balding and short and greasy. You wanted him to like you so much because you thought no-one else would find you attractive. You will think o-one else will ever want you. That’s not true. It never was and never will be. You will think that everyone else is above you. The truth is, no-one is. You are all going through the same times. The girls you want to be friends with? Well to be honest, you’re not friends with them for a reason. You love education and finding out everything, whilst they may prefer to spend their time on fashion or something that you find uninteresting. You will meet people who make you feel good about yourself, who will respect you (bar Karen’s husband Ricardo, but that’s his problem, not yours’) and care for you. You will meet a man who will change your life. You will be horrible to him because of all the hurt, but he will just love you more. And fortunately you will learn how to deal with it. You never thought a man could find you attractive, or love you, but you did and you.

Then there’s mum. I promise you, you can live without her, and that she can live without you. You can. You are not tied to her. The truth is, you are scared to be without her. Scared that no-one will support you. But, again the truth is, she is unintentionally telling you that you will fail. She will say you will pass, but act differently. You’re self-esteem is so entwined with her, it’s unhealthy. You let her views of you be your self-esteem, like she is a part of you. But she’s not a part of you. You’re a separate entity .

Then there’s your biological dad. Again your self-esteem is entwined with him and his actions. He will never be proud of you. But that’s not your fault. That’s his. He has got so many issues, and he takes them out on you. He was never supportive, he is just a narcisstic emotional abuser. Even now, he has told you jokingly that ‘Your boyfriend had better watch out as you will be studying forever’. But what if you are? What does that matter? Education makes you feel good about yourself, well bar these 2 years. He is just looking for someone to take things out on

Then there’s the anxiety that comes with having your self-esteem entwined with external sources. You won’t believe in yourself. You will believe that without others, you will be helpless. That’s not true. You will worry that you will be left in town, with no way to get home. You will worry about stepping on a bus with pompus private school students. You will worry about food. You will worry about people liking you. You will worry that your disgusting. You will worry about everything. You will worry about being in an exam hall. You will worry about your stomach moaning in an exam (not your fault by the way). You will worry that someone won’t like you because you have different interests. You will unnecessarily worry about worrying. You won’t be the only one who finds Hautlieu hard, and does worse than they could of done. Many people will move to Highlands and get the equivalent of 3 A’s. It’s not you. You will try so hard at Biology that you let will let Philosophy and Psychology slip. 2 subjects that to this day, you will enjoy.

These 2 years only matter, as they will get you into university. But think before applying. You will feel forced to apply to Uni. Will feel that if you take a year out that you will be a failure. That’s what happens when you base your self-esteem on other sources. The truth is, you are not yet ready to go to University, not ready to separate from Mum, and that’s okay. You will do. Not everything has to be done now.

Last of all. You will be okay. You will find love. You will find happiness and you will find self-esteem. It’s cheesy but you will find your wings.

Love Claire

Also Happy 4 month Topical Steroid Withdrawal Anniversary to and itchy me 🙂

You can’t change others

“Don’t wait for someone else to buy you flowers, buy your own garden and decorate your soul. 

Well, i saw a therapist on Friday. She had asked me to draw a timeline of my life.

Well lets just say it brought so much stuff up. When i left, i felt angry and hurt. I also had the biggest rant about my brother.

All of this is good and well, but realising this affects your life.

All i’ve wanted was a normal family, but the truth is i’m never going to get that. I used to subconsciously try and force my dad to care, let’s just say it didn’t work. It turns out i’ve been trying to change my mum to. Who knew. I never knew our relationship was so dysfunctional.

With my Mum, she needs to be taken care of, that’s just her. So that’s what i’ve been doing, emotionally and sometimes physically (food etc). The problem is, when you start to do something, Mum just stops doing it. Completely. She will then wait until you do it. For example, i cooked mum food once, and she expected it everyday, instead of say every other day. When mum could be bothered to cook, she cooked for herself, when she didn’t, well there was me. I can think of so many other examples.

For all these years I’ve been literally tied to her. And frankly I can’t do it anymore. Whenever i went, i would be worried in case she fell ill or died. There’s more.

Since my sister moved out, she hasn’t really contacted her or visited her. Mum’s excuse ‘i haven’t been invited’. Nor has she invited them out for a meal etc etc It’s not her fault basically.

I told Mum a week ago that i would go out with my boyfriends parents. She guilt tripped me today. ‘Oh let’s not do Mother’s day then’. I told her not to do that and replied with ‘Well lets not do my birthday’. Can i just say, Mum knew we were going out in the morning for breakfast, and she seemed quite happy.

I then brought up the subject of, how she ditches everyone for her other half. Well it was like a dear in headlights. Mum will guilt trip me for leaving her at home alone. When it’s the other way round (which i am actually rather thankful for), she doesn’t give two shits.

My brother then added a snarky ‘You’re just as bad as each other’ bullshit. I told him where to go…basically….Well it was like i shot Ronan Keating. ‘DO NOT SPEAK TO MY SON LIKE THAT’. Can i just say, he is 31. He often speaks to me like i am a piece of crap. For example, he just came in and said ‘i don’t like the way you speak to me. I’m not victimising you, It’s all in your head, you are paranoid.’ I told him to get out, as he was winding me up.

Basically, i wanted my mum to be like other mums. Someone who, when i move out, pops around with flowers etc etc But frankly that’s never going to happen.

To be honest I am done. I can’t do this anymore. These people aren’t going to change. All i can do is change my behaviour towards them, like my sister has done. She has built a bit of a defence wall. Maybe i need to start building mine.

Now i am sitting here after arguing with my bother and mum, feeling crap. Utterly crap. I’m sick of trying to take care of them. Here’s to finding more positive relationships

I guess you can’t just throw a blanket over things, as eventually the blanket will have to be removed.

Oh my skin? Spots. Spots everywhere!