“Don’t wait for someone else to buy you flowers, buy your own garden and decorate your soul.
Well, i saw a therapist on Friday. She had asked me to draw a timeline of my life.
Well lets just say it brought so much stuff up. When i left, i felt angry and hurt. I also had the biggest rant about my brother.
All of this is good and well, but realising this affects your life.
All i’ve wanted was a normal family, but the truth is i’m never going to get that. I used to subconsciously try and force my dad to care, let’s just say it didn’t work. It turns out i’ve been trying to change my mum to. Who knew. I never knew our relationship was so dysfunctional.
With my Mum, she needs to be taken care of, that’s just her. So that’s what i’ve been doing, emotionally and sometimes physically (food etc). The problem is, when you start to do something, Mum just stops doing it. Completely. She will then wait until you do it. For example, i cooked mum food once, and she expected it everyday, instead of say every other day. When mum could be bothered to cook, she cooked for herself, when she didn’t, well there was me. I can think of so many other examples.
For all these years I’ve been literally tied to her. And frankly I can’t do it anymore. Whenever i went, i would be worried in case she fell ill or died. There’s more.
Since my sister moved out, she hasn’t really contacted her or visited her. Mum’s excuse ‘i haven’t been invited’. Nor has she invited them out for a meal etc etc It’s not her fault basically.
I told Mum a week ago that i would go out with my boyfriends parents. She guilt tripped me today. ‘Oh let’s not do Mother’s day then’. I told her not to do that and replied with ‘Well lets not do my birthday’. Can i just say, Mum knew we were going out in the morning for breakfast, and she seemed quite happy.
I then brought up the subject of, how she ditches everyone for her other half. Well it was like a dear in headlights. Mum will guilt trip me for leaving her at home alone. When it’s the other way round (which i am actually rather thankful for), she doesn’t give two shits.
My brother then added a snarky ‘You’re just as bad as each other’ bullshit. I told him where to go…basically….Well it was like i shot Ronan Keating. ‘DO NOT SPEAK TO MY SON LIKE THAT’. Can i just say, he is 31. He often speaks to me like i am a piece of crap. For example, he just came in and said ‘i don’t like the way you speak to me. I’m not victimising you, It’s all in your head, you are paranoid.’ I told him to get out, as he was winding me up.
Basically, i wanted my mum to be like other mums. Someone who, when i move out, pops around with flowers etc etc But frankly that’s never going to happen.
To be honest I am done. I can’t do this anymore. These people aren’t going to change. All i can do is change my behaviour towards them, like my sister has done. She has built a bit of a defence wall. Maybe i need to start building mine.
Now i am sitting here after arguing with my bother and mum, feeling crap. Utterly crap. I’m sick of trying to take care of them. Here’s to finding more positive relationships
I guess you can’t just throw a blanket over things, as eventually the blanket will have to be removed.
Oh my skin? Spots. Spots everywhere!
Love
Claire
Living with Anxiety and Skin Issues 