I can make you hurt

The amount of power that we can unknowingly give to someone, power over your sense of self, can literally break you. Strong statement, but let me explain.

From when we are little, our sense of self is linked with others. Parents, teachers, friends telling you that you did a good job, or giving you positive attention. Ultimately what happens is that you absorb these positive experiences, and you begin to develop a positive sense of self. But what happens if what you thought were positive interactions were actually. at times, pretty traumatic. What you can do for someone else, and how you can please others becomes a desperate attempt at being worthy for this world.

Ultimately, i have this whole sense of self thing wrong. I base my sense of self on others opinions of me, particularly my mothers, and this year, and throughout my life it hasn’t exactly helped me in life. It’s hard to write about, but ultimately it is something i have to come to terms with.

This week, has been pretty crappy. Like not leaving my bed crappy. Today was the first day where i got up, made a proper breakfast for myself, got dressed and did some house work. I  am so proud of myself, but for the person who i have unfortunately given my sense of self to (which i am trying to get back), it’s not enough. For her, i am the problem, or at least i feel that i am the reason for her problem. Today, she told me that the man who has verbally assaulted me numerous times (we’re on 3/4 i think), and who tried to physically assault me, was going to drop a plant around (seriously love get your own damn plant). I’ll be honest, even though i shouldn’t be, i am petrified of this man. Even though mum has witnessed these conversations, and the altercation, and we both know that i have never sworn or assaulted him, even though i have raised my voice (i know i’m far from perfect), she still blames me. There is the horrible comment here or there, ‘you deserved….’then stopping mid sentence, ‘i am so unhappy because you won’t let me be with him’ and the newest one, as my brother told me ‘i’ll have a stroke because i’m so unhappy because you 3 won’t let me see him’. Can i just say, i have said numerous times that she is her own person, and can do whatever she wants, but that i do not want to see that man, as frankly i don’t deserve that crap. So 10 minutes before he arrives she tells me, i say okay, and she mumbles something under her breath (probably something along the lines of it’s my house etc), it makes me so mad. As the cars go past the house, i listen intently waiting for this car, i don’t want them to, but my hands are shaking. I have told her, how i feel, but to her it doesn’t matter, i wish i could say her feelings don’t matter to me. He pulls the car round, and i hide in the garden, as i refuse to go in and hide (but my brain thinks hiding outside is a bit better!). He stays for around 20 minutes, but it feels so much longer. I also don’t understand why she couldn’t of picked up the fucking plant herself!

I don’t understand how a mother can do this. I don’t understand how a mother can guilt trip you. I don’t understand why a mother would be so vile to her children, then expect them to be okay. No i’m not doing it. I am so fed up of this woman. I am fed up of how she treats me, i am fed up of her tantrums, I am fed up of how she treats other people, i am fed up of how she talks about other people. I am fed up of her. She lies excessively, she makes you feel that you owe her your life because she raised you, she blames you for things that you weren’t even there for, i could go on and on and on. It’s just bull shit. Absolute bull shit. It’s not right. She has a lot of issues, but ones i have stopped trying to fix. I used to think she was everything, now i realise that actually, she’s not. I’ve tried to make her happy, i’ve tried a lot, but i will never make her accept me, she will never pay attention to who i am, she will always criticise, and frankly my opinion of her, particularly today is at rock bottom, and i am allowed that opinion. But i also think that even though she is pretty mean, she must of had a similar experience, and not been valued as a child (hello psychotherapist training!).

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So how do i cope with this? Realise that actually i am enough and i am doing the best i can. I work hard, i care, i accept and i love. During a panic attack she said that i was too sensitive, but i’m okay with that. That’s who i am, and if she can’t accept it that’s fine, and if i am the reason behind her problems, then that’s fine to, as soon as i can, i won’t be in her life.

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Claire xxxxx

Depression lies

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So i got up today, got dressed, had breakfast, then went back to bed. Yesterday i had a banana for breakfast, today i had banana on toast – hey it’s progress! Right now i am trying to celebrate the small steps, and i am hoping they will eventually grow into big ones. If i congratulate myself on small steps, then maybe i can eventually see myself as someone who is good enough, regardless of what people think or what things i can do. I am trying to be compassionate with myself, as frankly right now being horrible to myself about not doing anything won’t really help.

So as I was lying in bed this morning i was thinking (my brain doesn’t stop) depression lies  to you a lot! It is not your friend, it is not encouraging you, it is not egging you on to be a better person (as you already are a good person), if depression were an actual person it would be Donald Trump; someone who lies, then spins the lie to suit the situation. For me it tells me things like ‘you don’t deserve to eat’, ‘you’re failing right now’, ‘everybody knows your a lie’, ‘you’re not as smart as you think you are’, ‘you don’t deserve love’, but these statements are lies, not truths. Your thoughts aren’t necessarily right or truthful, they are thoughts, that’s it, thought’s. The problem is though, thoughts turn into beliefs, and then you begin to find reasons to reinforce these false beliefs about yourself, and before you know it your in bed crying your eyes out. The crazy thing is though, these thoughts have so much power. Like a false promise, you begin to change your life because of these thoughts e.g. by not going for a new job and feeling helpless. You then begin to lose yourself.

One thing i really miss, it may sound silly, but my brain. I miss being able to think clearly, i miss being able to read and focus on what i am reading, i miss being able to just think clearly and logically. But most of all, i miss myself. But myself wasn’t good enough for depression and now i am in this hole trying to get out of it, but i will. I’ve admitted that i am ill, and for me, now that i’ve accepted it, I can move forward and maybe in the future accept myself. I just want to give and look after other people, when in fact right now i need to be selfish as hell. Depression has actually taught me a lot, the amount of pressure i put on myself actually results in me doing nothing, being selfish (by this i mean looking after your emotional, mental and physical health) means that you can be more compassionate to others. I have also learnt about mindfulness, and the need to live in the present, rather then the future ( because you want to escape from the present).

Thanks

Claire

 

Depression – back with a vengeance

Right now, i am sat in my bedroom, either looking at the computer screen or looking out the window. I am off work for two days. I should be happy. But i’m not. I can’t stop crying. I’m tired and i feel like crap, physically and as a person. To tell you the truth, i have no idea  how this happened, but i lie, i think i do:

Physically (I research a lot) – I think a particular gene has gone into overdrive and i don’t have the right diet to compensate it. but i am trying. I am researching myself my genetics, as i can’t afford outside help. I’ve healed myself once, i can heal myself again.

Financially – I currently have 50 pounds to my name. No savings. no nothing. I can’t afford make up, i can’t afford moisturiser, I can’t afford to get a hair cut, i can just afford to go back to the drs.

Mental stress  – At work i feel like a failure. An absolute failure. I’m trying, I really am.

Emotional stress – I just want to run to my mum, who should tell me that it will be okay. But instead i feel that i have to lie. The sick days i’ve had off, i lied and told her that i was off on holiday. I keep as much distance as i can, i have to. I will not be pulled into a game of love and verbal abuse, it’s not worth it.

I went to the dr recently, and we discussed me carrying on working, even if i am doing a crap job and staying off the pills. Even though i don’t want to be someone who is on antidepressants for the rest of their life, i’m starting to think that maybe i am destined to be.

The fact is though I had dreams and goals. My current goals are to get out of bed every day. I thought i would be a psychotherapist, a person who had a career, who could afford things but right now i feel like my life is falling apart. I’m going to cut back on all but 1 module, and see how that goes. The truth is, i don’t want to be on this earth, feeling like this anymore, but i have to, suicide just passes the pain on to others, and frankly the statistics show that most people survive, and those who do have sometimes irreversible health problems (liver problems etc).

One positive note? I have some amazing people around me who whether i want to believe it or not love and care for me dearly. I am so sorry if i cancel meetings or appointments with you, just please know that right now, i am struggling to get through the day, let alone see anyone. This isn’t anything to do with any of you, it’s to do with me and i understand if you want to cut ties with me.

Thank you for reading.