The amount of power that we can unknowingly give to someone, power over your sense of self, can literally break you. Strong statement, but let me explain.
From when we are little, our sense of self is linked with others. Parents, teachers, friends telling you that you did a good job, or giving you positive attention. Ultimately what happens is that you absorb these positive experiences, and you begin to develop a positive sense of self. But what happens if what you thought were positive interactions were actually. at times, pretty traumatic. What you can do for someone else, and how you can please others becomes a desperate attempt at being worthy for this world.
Ultimately, i have this whole sense of self thing wrong. I base my sense of self on others opinions of me, particularly my mothers, and this year, and throughout my life it hasn’t exactly helped me in life. It’s hard to write about, but ultimately it is something i have to come to terms with.
This week, has been pretty crappy. Like not leaving my bed crappy. Today was the first day where i got up, made a proper breakfast for myself, got dressed and did some house work. I am so proud of myself, but for the person who i have unfortunately given my sense of self to (which i am trying to get back), it’s not enough. For her, i am the problem, or at least i feel that i am the reason for her problem. Today, she told me that the man who has verbally assaulted me numerous times (we’re on 3/4 i think), and who tried to physically assault me, was going to drop a plant around (seriously love get your own damn plant). I’ll be honest, even though i shouldn’t be, i am petrified of this man. Even though mum has witnessed these conversations, and the altercation, and we both know that i have never sworn or assaulted him, even though i have raised my voice (i know i’m far from perfect), she still blames me. There is the horrible comment here or there, ‘you deserved….’then stopping mid sentence, ‘i am so unhappy because you won’t let me be with him’ and the newest one, as my brother told me ‘i’ll have a stroke because i’m so unhappy because you 3 won’t let me see him’. Can i just say, i have said numerous times that she is her own person, and can do whatever she wants, but that i do not want to see that man, as frankly i don’t deserve that crap. So 10 minutes before he arrives she tells me, i say okay, and she mumbles something under her breath (probably something along the lines of it’s my house etc), it makes me so mad. As the cars go past the house, i listen intently waiting for this car, i don’t want them to, but my hands are shaking. I have told her, how i feel, but to her it doesn’t matter, i wish i could say her feelings don’t matter to me. He pulls the car round, and i hide in the garden, as i refuse to go in and hide (but my brain thinks hiding outside is a bit better!). He stays for around 20 minutes, but it feels so much longer. I also don’t understand why she couldn’t of picked up the fucking plant herself!
I don’t understand how a mother can do this. I don’t understand how a mother can guilt trip you. I don’t understand why a mother would be so vile to her children, then expect them to be okay. No i’m not doing it. I am so fed up of this woman. I am fed up of how she treats me, i am fed up of her tantrums, I am fed up of how she treats other people, i am fed up of how she talks about other people. I am fed up of her. She lies excessively, she makes you feel that you owe her your life because she raised you, she blames you for things that you weren’t even there for, i could go on and on and on. It’s just bull shit. Absolute bull shit. It’s not right. She has a lot of issues, but ones i have stopped trying to fix. I used to think she was everything, now i realise that actually, she’s not. I’ve tried to make her happy, i’ve tried a lot, but i will never make her accept me, she will never pay attention to who i am, she will always criticise, and frankly my opinion of her, particularly today is at rock bottom, and i am allowed that opinion. But i also think that even though she is pretty mean, she must of had a similar experience, and not been valued as a child (hello psychotherapist training!).
So how do i cope with this? Realise that actually i am enough and i am doing the best i can. I work hard, i care, i accept and i love. During a panic attack she said that i was too sensitive, but i’m okay with that. That’s who i am, and if she can’t accept it that’s fine, and if i am the reason behind her problems, then that’s fine to, as soon as i can, i won’t be in her life.