Right now, i am sat in my bedroom, either looking at the computer screen or looking out the window. I am off work for two days. I should be happy. But i’m not. I can’t stop crying. I’m tired and i feel like crap, physically and as a person. To tell you the truth, i have no idea how this happened, but i lie, i think i do:
Physically (I research a lot) – I think a particular gene has gone into overdrive and i don’t have the right diet to compensate it. but i am trying. I am researching myself my genetics, as i can’t afford outside help. I’ve healed myself once, i can heal myself again.
Financially – I currently have 50 pounds to my name. No savings. no nothing. I can’t afford make up, i can’t afford moisturiser, I can’t afford to get a hair cut, i can just afford to go back to the drs.
Mental stress – At work i feel like a failure. An absolute failure. I’m trying, I really am.
Emotional stress – I just want to run to my mum, who should tell me that it will be okay. But instead i feel that i have to lie. The sick days i’ve had off, i lied and told her that i was off on holiday. I keep as much distance as i can, i have to. I will not be pulled into a game of love and verbal abuse, it’s not worth it.
I went to the dr recently, and we discussed me carrying on working, even if i am doing a crap job and staying off the pills. Even though i don’t want to be someone who is on antidepressants for the rest of their life, i’m starting to think that maybe i am destined to be.
The fact is though I had dreams and goals. My current goals are to get out of bed every day. I thought i would be a psychotherapist, a person who had a career, who could afford things but right now i feel like my life is falling apart. I’m going to cut back on all but 1 module, and see how that goes. The truth is, i don’t want to be on this earth, feeling like this anymore, but i have to, suicide just passes the pain on to others, and frankly the statistics show that most people survive, and those who do have sometimes irreversible health problems (liver problems etc).
One positive note? I have some amazing people around me who whether i want to believe it or not love and care for me dearly. I am so sorry if i cancel meetings or appointments with you, just please know that right now, i am struggling to get through the day, let alone see anyone. This isn’t anything to do with any of you, it’s to do with me and i understand if you want to cut ties with me.
Thank you for reading.