Depression – back with a vengeance

Right now, i am sat in my bedroom, either looking at the computer screen or looking out the window. I am off work for two days. I should be happy. But i’m not. I can’t stop crying. I’m tired and i feel like crap, physically and as a person. To tell you the truth, i have no idea  how this happened, but i lie, i think i do:

Physically (I research a lot) – I think a particular gene has gone into overdrive and i don’t have the right diet to compensate it. but i am trying. I am researching myself my genetics, as i can’t afford outside help. I’ve healed myself once, i can heal myself again.

Financially – I currently have 50 pounds to my name. No savings. no nothing. I can’t afford make up, i can’t afford moisturiser, I can’t afford to get a hair cut, i can just afford to go back to the drs.

Mental stress  – At work i feel like a failure. An absolute failure. I’m trying, I really am.

Emotional stress – I just want to run to my mum, who should tell me that it will be okay. But instead i feel that i have to lie. The sick days i’ve had off, i lied and told her that i was off on holiday. I keep as much distance as i can, i have to. I will not be pulled into a game of love and verbal abuse, it’s not worth it.

I went to the dr recently, and we discussed me carrying on working, even if i am doing a crap job and staying off the pills. Even though i don’t want to be someone who is on antidepressants for the rest of their life, i’m starting to think that maybe i am destined to be.

The fact is though I had dreams and goals. My current goals are to get out of bed every day. I thought i would be a psychotherapist, a person who had a career, who could afford things but right now i feel like my life is falling apart. I’m going to cut back on all but 1 module, and see how that goes. The truth is, i don’t want to be on this earth, feeling like this anymore, but i have to, suicide just passes the pain on to others, and frankly the statistics show that most people survive, and those who do have sometimes irreversible health problems (liver problems etc).

One positive note? I have some amazing people around me who whether i want to believe it or not love and care for me dearly. I am so sorry if i cancel meetings or appointments with you, just please know that right now, i am struggling to get through the day, let alone see anyone. This isn’t anything to do with any of you, it’s to do with me and i understand if you want to cut ties with me.

Thank you for reading.

 

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One thought on “Depression – back with a vengeance

  1. Don’t say you had goals, you still have goals – although it may feel like it, it’s not the end of the world if they’re not happening right now. Sometimes it’s ok if the only thing you achieve one day is to get out of bed. And I know you hate being on antidepressants, but there is absolutely no shame in being on them. The ‘rest of your life’ is a long time: it’s unlikely you will be on them for the rest of your life, but if it seems like you need them now, maybe that is the best option. There’s nothing wrong with that. Think about helping yourself in the present, not about the kind of person you’re worried you’ll be in the future.

    It sucks seeing you use words like ‘I’m doing a crap job’ or ‘I’m a failure.’ Because I don’t see you that way at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure nobody does. I see you’re not well and going through a horrible time, but I think ‘wow, Claire is so amazing for dealing with all those problems’. I don’t think ‘geez, Claire can’t go to work today, she’s such a failure.’ Remember a while ago you asked us to email you with 10 things we love about you? Get them out and have a read. Remind yourself of your good qualities, the ones that other people see, the ones that are true. Or do that thing where you write down one thing you are grateful for everyday. Even if it’s ‘I played with the dog today’ or ‘Robin gave me a hug’. I feel a bit cringe saying it because it feels kind of pop psychology-y but if it reminds you of even one good thing that’s happening, that’s always better than nothing.

    And if anyone wants to cut ties with you that’s their problem not yours, and personally I think a very cowardly thing to do.

    Love you lots my dear xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

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