Depression – The Big Black Hole

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So today, i have taken the day off work because of ‘depression’. My god i am getting so sick of that term and i hate saying it.

I’ve tried eating healthily, i’ve tried moderate exercise (walking the dog, yoga), i’ve had counselling and psychotherapy and CAT therapy, i’ve tried holistic medicine, i’ve tried normal medicine (anti depressants) and i’ve tried gene related supplements, i’ve joined Facebook groups but nothing seems to work. I’ve sat with depression, that worked temporarily, i research depression on Pubmed but nothing is working. I’m crying because i have no idea how I’m going to get out of this one. I’m scared to socialise, which i know is crazy because i have amazing friends, but I’m scared about what people think about me. I’ve been forcing myself into work and that helped but today i couldn’t do.

Today I cried whilst i crawled out of bed and forced myself out of my pyjamas and into clothes. I cried at Cinderella story the film. I cried when my mother spoke to me. I’m crying now.

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I have no idea what to do. I know that anti depressants only cure the symptoms, and in the 7 years that i was on them, they didnt really help. I’ve made more progress off them then on them. With anti-depressants they numb you, they numb the highs and the lows. I don’t want to live like that, but i don’t know how to get out of this. Is this me forever? Will i have this forever?

Your body and your brain tell you to stay in bed, but to get out of it, you’ve got to ignore your body and your brain, but right now, i don’t think i can do that. The only person who can get you out of depression is yourself, but that is hard, especially when getting out of bed is a battle.

Some people say that depression is your friend. It tells you when you need to change your life, it makes you change your path. Right now that means stopping or giving up the whole psychotherapy thing, which is hard because it used to make me so happy, but now nothing really does, it’s just a numbness and all i can think about is when i can get back to bed.

I want to go back to work tomorrow, but i don’t know if i can. I just want to get well, and be in a place where i’m not depressed. I just want to give up on everything and lie in bed all day, but that won’t make me happy. When i have enough energy i will force myself out. I hope that this won’t be forever.

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Love claire

 

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