I can be really mean to myself, like really mean. Some days when i come home from work, and the house is a mess, the voice in my head says ‘tidy the house, you lazy bitch’. Horrible right? If i’m feeling horrible and all i want is a duvet day, the voice will say something along the lines of ‘you’re such a lazy bitch’. Instead of letting others bully me, i bully myself, but the question is, if i am not productive for one day, why do i deserve to be called horrible names? The truth is, i don’t, it’s been programmed into me. It’s not just the housework, if i say something that sounds awkward, if i do anything wrong, if i have spots on my face, if my clothes don’t look right, if my skin is paler then normal, (i could go on and on) that bully voice comes back. The voice gets stronger if i’m anxious, depressed or just generally feeling crappy. The truth is though, i will never be perfect, i will always have flaws, and you know what? Those flaws make me who i am. I’m never going to please everyone, so i might as well please myself, whilst keeping others in mind. When i put myself first, it also allows me to be more loving and compassionate to others? If you’re like WHAAATTTTT, bear with me.
When you’re horrible to yourself and egging yourself to do something, it makes you feel worse, and the chances are, you won’t do it, and you will feel crappy for not doing the task that you feel you should. Berating yourself to try and do something, just doesn’t work. When you berate or put yourself down on a regular basis, you begin to neglect your needs (physical, mental, emotional etc) and ultimately you begin to rely on others to meet those needs. When you neglect your needs, you also begin to take things out on other people (whether knowingly or not), you may be extra sensitive for example. Then, you hate yourself even more for being grumpy and its just a whole crappy cycle. This is my downward spiral, and the only way for myself to break this cycle is to just stop, feel the feeling, and give myself love, compassion and acceptance. I’m a believer that there are no bad people in this world, only people who are hurting, who may or may not want help. I truly believe that this is one of my flaws, and i’m okay with that. By accepting myself, it allows me to accept others, and the more compassionate i am towards myself, the more compassionate i am to others; it’s weird how it works!
When i was really ill with depression, i said some hurtful things and pushed a lot of people away. But i did those things because i was hurting, and it what i said was more about how i was feeling about myself then how i felt about others. I am so grateful for the people who stuck around. Instead of berating myself for that time in my life, i now look back and i feel sorry for depressed Claire, how depressed Claire could not love or accept herself. I was lucky as i had amazing friends and family who loved and accepted me, when i couldn’t. There are times when i am depressed, but i know now that i have to try and give myself love, compassion and acceptance if i am ever to get out of these horrible periods. Love, compassion and acceptance is what everyone deserves.
Accepting myself and my flaws is something i will have to work on, and i will slip back into the cycle, but i will somehow get out of it. I have so many flaws, i sing a lot, i can be so messy, i can be moody, I LOVE NAPS, i like high fives, at times my skin can be covered in eczema, i’m a bit of a scatter brain and i could go on and on. Some people will accept me, and others won’t, but the most important thing is, that I accept me.