I know your pretty low right now. I know your face is flaring, and you currently look like you’ve been burnt…a lot….but that’s okay. I know you feel lost. That’s okay. Some days you struggle more then others, that’s okay to.
You get lost trying the rescue and fix others, when the truth is, people have to rescue themselves. Like with you, no-one can do this but you. You can get help, yes, but it’s got to come from you. You’ve got to believe that you are good enough, that you deserve to live a good life and be happy.
Remember that person who went to university and had a breakdown. But the thing is Claire, it changed your life, that breakdown gave you a direction. Remember sitting at the computer crying, when you decided to watch Sesame Street, because since you were little you have loved everything that Jim Henson did? It was then that you decided that you wanted to help children who were struggling, even though you wanted to throw yourself out of the window? When someone is struggling like you were, it takes a special kind of person to want to help others. Even though it sucked, it changed your life for the better.
Remember, even though you were petrified and moderately depressed you were determined to go back to University because that is who you are? You wanted to make a better life for yourself, you wanted a degree, you wanted to prove to yourself that you were smart, regardless of what happened? Yeah. You did that. Remember when you were homeless? You found a way. Somehow, even though it was pretty awful, it got better, a lot better. You did that. No-one else. You made new friends, and you wrote a dissertation that you felt passionate about. When you were at University you weren’t stupid, you weren’t needy, you were you. You did things your way (including writing a neuroscience paper on literacy acquisition, when everybody else wrote a paper on the different learning methods). When you do things your way, it just works, i don;t know how or why, it just does.
Remember when you got into Tavistock? You were the youngest person on the course, bar one other person. Remember when people told you, you couldn’t hold down a job and fly over to London once a week? Well you did. Remember you were petrified about going to London? Now you love to visit, you feel that it’s your second home? You wouldn’t of dreamed that would happen, but it did Claire, it did. Remember when you moved to another job, that you had a bad feeling for? You ignored the feeling, and ultimately you left because that place was just awful, like really awful. You were unemployed for 7 months, but things worked out. You got your old job back, and you got to work with older children. Things worked out. It took a while, but you started to get into your flow, you began to teach the children, how you felt best, using props, movement and most of all a ton of fun, and it worked, Claire it worked. 3 and 4 year olds were telling their parents about orbiting, magnetic fields, and the planets in the solar system. Then you got bogged down.
You started to believe what one person said about you; that you were stuck up, that you were stupid, that your dad never wanted you, and you began to believe that you were the reason for the world’s problems and that you were a bad person. Claire, you don’t have a bad bone in your body. When people say horrible things, it’s more about them and their insecurities then it is about you, and you have a right to say that you don’t want to be around verbal abuse or physical violence, no matter what anyone says.
You began to try and counteract this negative self image by rescuing others, one person in particular, to try and get her to accept you, when in fact she became awful to you. Claire, the only person who you can rescue is you. It does you or anyone else no good when you sacrifice yourself for others, you become the victim to.
Claire. You have so much potential, it sounds corny but you can do whatever you want to, you’ve proven that over and over again. Even when things don’t work out, something better has always come along.
You got this