“When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change”
Well, where do i start.
For the last few months, it may sound strange to say, i have been losing small little pieces of myself; dressing in baggy t-shirts, losing a lot of weight (hello hip bones), not taking pride in my appearance, not sleeping, becoming scared to drive my car, becoming scared to leave the flat, and not being interested in N*Sync (whhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa!) or any other band for that matter.
Slowly but surely i lost more of myself, piece by piece, little by little. My skin started flaring on my face, my hands started flaring, i began to cry most days, and then about a month a go i began taking days off at work, one day a week. I tried to just get on with it, i really did, i’ve tried mediation, sitting with my feelings, getting out, nutritional therapies, eating right, psychotherapy, self-help books but nothing worked, and slowly but surely the hole i was in started to get deeper. There were times when i was in complete denial about how ill i was getting. The worst thing? I started believing what people had said about me months ago, and things that they were saying now, ‘bitch’, ‘it’s your fault’, ‘you think your so smart, but your an idiot’. I felt and still feel like a horrible person. Logically i know that i am not what people say, but emotionally i feel that i am a horrible person.
Last week, i was prescribed the dreaded anti-depressant, something which i’ve fought really hard not to be on, because to be honest, i feel worse on anti-depressants, as i lose the little bit of motivation i had. Anyway, i began to take them, and i feel awful about it. I keep having thoughts like ‘you’re such a failure claire’, ‘you’re not ill claire, get on with it’, ‘you’re letting yourself down’, ‘you’re pretty much useless right now’, ‘people are ill for real reasons’. On Monday, i cracked, i don’t know if it was the side effects of the pills, but i just couldn’t get out of bed. I rang work at 7.30 and i stammered as i said that i couldn’t come in. At 8am i rang the Dr’s surgery, and i’ll admit, that 3 minute phone call sucked, my appointment was at 9.30, and i had no idea if i could even get out of bed. My legs felt tired, my arms ached and i just wanted to snuggle under the duvet. I managed to slowly but surely get dressed, got into my car, and drove to the Dr’s surgery which was 5 minutes away, but it felt so much longer. Waiting sucked. I looked at my phone the whole time, wondering if people knew (looking at me, they probably did), i welled up a few times but held back. When i saw the Dr, we spoke about being signed off for a little while (a month), and staying on the tablets.
I feel like i’ve failed. i really do. The truth is, i feel lost, i don’t trust myself with anything or meeting anyone in case i start to cry or in case i say the wrong thing. I thank god that i have amazing friends who i can talk to, a boyfriend that accepts me like this, a sister who visits me pretty much everyday, and a friend who have been in a worse place then i am, but still managed to get her life back.
For me, the only way to get better is to do things that make to feel better e.g. watching a good movie, getting outside etc but at the same time you don’t have the energy to switch the dvd player on, you feel that you don’t deserve nice things, your scared to get outside. The world becomes this really scary place, even though you know where you live like that back of your hand, it becomes a really dark place, if that makes sense.
My life, for now is on hold. I have no idea what i’m going to do about the psychotherapy course, i have no idea what I am going to do about pretty much anything. I know i will get better, i just don’t know when, or how.