Shadows, Ghosts and Apologies

I’m currently writing this from the comfort of my duvet. Right now, it’s the only place where I feel okay. However, to get that safety I have to pay a pretty hefty price: not seeing anyone, not living my life, not having fun, and just generally spiralling into a bigger hole of depression.

Right now I feel like I’m dying, in the sense that I’m losing everything I’ve ever cared about, and I feel that I can’t stop. I’m cancelling on friends, I’m in my 6th week of being signed off, I’ve had to put my course on hold, and it may sound dramatic, but nothing brings me much joy anymore, unless I force myself out. So the conundrum is, to force myself out of my bed but have a breakdown which consists of crying and sometimes screaming for about an hour but then perk up, or stay in bed happily, but then eventually reduce to a puddle of tears.

On top of the whole depression thing, my eczema has gone from non existent to severe. My legs, torso, arms, hands, neck and face have flared to the point of infection (hence the temperatures, chills, oozing and the smell of blood and ooze – pretty disgusting).

At the minute my life is on hold. I just want it to get going again.

The more depressed I’ve become the more I’ve cut back, and it hasn’t made me happy. I miss my friends a lot, but sometimes I just can’t send that reply, or meet up with them like I said I would. Depression involves a lot of loss. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ve lost enough for myself to claw my way back into the light.

love Claire

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