When Safe isn’t really safe…settling for less

I’ll be honest, i’m a bit of an anxious mess, but for a variety of different reasons. It’s horrible because i have so much college work to do which i have put off (due to anxiety) which in itself creates more and more anxiety.


The patterns of behaviour you learn aren’t necessarily the patterns that make you the happiest. Just because it is familiar, doesn’t necessarily make it true, or make you the happy.

I received my pay cheque for the month of December, and i cried. I have no idea how i’m going to afford to feed myself.  I am so lucky in that i will always have roof of my head and food to eat. I got myself into this position myself due to the fact that i was too scared to move on and too scared to actually say ‘i am worth more then this’, and albeit ‘settling’. Until now, that is how i’ve lived my life, in a familiar safe place that made me unhappy but never changed.

I’m not ashamed to say last year i was really ill with severe eczema, and the psychological impact of the was huge. It dented my confidence a lot. I took a week off in January, and due to stress a few days off in the summer. My boss was suggesting that i change to a zero hour contract because and i quote ‘the stress on your colleagues is too much’ (this was a lie, it wasn’t). I felt awful and guilty, even though there was nothing to feel guilty for. So, my boss badgered and badgered me to write a letter, so i did, just saying that i would be happy to go down to a zero hour contract, and sign a letter. She made me do this within 24 hours. I was did not realise i signed something which meant i had unintentionally resigned from my job role, and that it was either a zero hour contract or nothing. I wish i had taken the time to speak to someone else about this. I wasn’t in the right mindset and stupidly believed my boss had my best interests at heart, which she pretended she did. But i understand her business comes first but at the same time don’t masquerade as pretending to care when you don’t. She wanted to save money basically, and the person who she hired she hired was on less money then me and had less hours. It’s such crap.

Anyway, i very much underestimated my worth, because i have worked here for 5+ years, so i allowed myself to get screwed over. I go far and beyond my job role, and i can do so much more. Instead though, i just kept trying to prove myself instead of doing what i thought was best. Now, nearing January i am so frustrated that i didn’t know my worth, all because my job was familiar. I’ve very much learnt that you show you’re worth to others, they will not raise your worth unless you them that you’re worthy of it…if that makes sense.

So yeah….i got myself into this position. But i also did the same in relationships.

I stuck with the same thing, regardless of how i was treated because it was familiar. Safe but miserable.

I probably shouldn’t be writing this but screw it i will. My mum throughout my life has chosen men that haven’t exactly been the nicest to me. Okay they have been vile pieces of shit!


The crazy thing is though, She will drop anything to be with them, and when they’re busy will rely on me to spend time with her. Yes, it’s not about me, but it still hurts….it still hurts that on Boxing day, she preferred to spend it with a man who i went to the damn police about because his daughter didn’t want to spend it with him! Again, i guess i’m going back to what is familiar, not will make me happy.

I think for 2018….my resolution will be to know my Worth. Screw it, i’m going to channel my inner beyonce haha!


Love Claire



Demons and Heartbreak…

Yeah…i can’t talk about Demons and not add a South Park Gif….i just can’t……


So, at college we were talking about dreams….and the most common childhood dream is usually the dream where the child is running away from a monster. My first question was ‘well can the child turn around and face the demon?’ but then i thought again. There are so many adults who are still running away from their childhood demons, whether that be through an addiction, keeping busy, or just avoiding the problem. I’m about to turn 28, and even though i faced a lot of demons, my first thought is still to run. To me, this is either keeping busy, focusing on other people in a narcissistic altruistic kinda way, or sleeping. But then there’s the problem of how the demon then surfaces in your conscious life, whether that be through eczema, heart palpations or whatever. Eventually, you need to slow down and rest….and BAM they’ve got you, you’re being forced to face a huge demon, but by that point it is huge and scarier than you had ever imagined…it may even have gross teeth.  This is pretty much repression at it’s finest. The more you talk to this demon, you realise it’s just a part of yourself that you have ignored for so long, and a part that just needs love and compassion. So the demon…is either a situation that you’ve never dealt with…or for me….a part of myself that i’ve never tried to understand. Life has a way of whispering to you, and when you don’t listen, eventually hits you over the face with a spade, or a dog slap, whateves….(i couldn’t find a spade gif!)


I’m going to open up a big can of emosh…….

This year has been full of heartbreak for me. The people i relied on broke my heart. But me being me…didn’t quite learn the lesson…so life had to break my heart a 2nd, 3rd, 4th….and 5th time in the span of 3 months! Well….life is on it……!

To sum up, i always put my everything into relationships and rely on the person too much…i begin to people please, and it always turns to shit…and that shit then lights on fire…and this is what happened again, and again and again. I won’t go into details, but i have to take blame in this. I ignored warning signals, i ignored previous heartbreak, and i ignored myself. However, i also learned a lot. No matter how alone i feel, i actually have those family and friends who are the roots in your life. The ones who aren’t going anywhere, the ones who love you for you, the ones who will call you in the morning (even though they live half way across the world) to make sure you’re okay, the ones who will pick up the phone late at night just to talk. I am so grateful that i have so many of these types of friends and family. Yes, we don’t talk everyday, yes we don’t see each other everyday like i had with two girls, but i kinda like that. I like that theres no pressure, no rules to follow, no judgement, just acceptance.

I guess i learnt that intense relationships either in the romantic sense or in a friendship sense don’t work out. Even though i am relieved that these three relationships ended, at the same time, i wish it didn’t have to go to shit and then light on fire and be thrown out of the window.


At the same time, i think it was also destined to, because i was not only running from myself, but i was also trying to be someone i’m not, turning into someone i’m not, ignoring the dream i’ve worked so hard for, and ignoring the people who matter most. I feel more grounded, and not as anxious. There are scars though, i’m so scared to let someone down in case i am then ignored, but then relationships are about compromise, with these 3 relationships there was none of that. These relationships were the only relationships that i’ve had, whereby i was just ignored for the tinniest thing, even if i was struggling. That’s just one of the warning signs i ignored.

I have so much to learn….you don’t just get over a 10 year relationship in a few weeks. It takes time to rebuild yourself, but i am rebuilding…and i’m learning, even though they are hard lessons.





Letting Go

Right now i should be reading about Endings in a therapeutic sense, but all i can think about right now, and all i can concentrate on is letting go of people and the ending of relationships. So to hell with it. I’m writing this, then going back to reading. In the weirdest sense, i have to clear out what i’m thinking to be able to actually focus on everything else.


Since September, endings have kind of followed me wherever i go. Whether it be a friendship ending, a career ending, a long term relationship ending. But these endings have strangely brought some acceptance, and even freedom.

A little while ago, i could not cope with endings. To me endings meant that a part of me died. Quite a dramatic statement but it’s true. I relied on so many people for my sense of self, for my happiness, and for my general well-being. When i lost someone, i also lost part of myself, which ultimately, i would then have to find again, whether that be from someone else or within myself. I could not understand that when i gave someone everything, they would just leave, pretend i didn’t exist, and show me that i meant nothing to them. The weird thing is, i get it. A needy person can be so overwhelming. A needy person, can emotionally suck you dry.  That WAS me. I don’t blame them for leaving.


I think i should get extra points for adding a Halloween type reference, on halloween…..

Anyway, this neediness also showed others how they could treat me. That they could disrespect me, use me, take advantage of me, and i would believe that’s okay. Ultimately the person I relied on for my sense of self, saw me as a blank shell, someone who they could tell what to do. This ladies and gentlemen, was my 10 year relationship, and i take responsibility for that. I just wanted someone to love me, to fill the void, but ultimately it just created a bigger void. The more i rebelled, the more he rebelled, and once someone loses respect for you, it’s hard to get that back, and for my sake, i don’t want it.

When he left, i felt such a sense of relief. I no longer had to be this person that i had created, to keep him. I no longer had to pretend that i was helpless to get him to love me. I no longer had to pretend that i was unattractive, to get him to love me. I no longer had to look after him and do everything for him, to get him to love me. I no longer had to feel inadequate. I no longer felt a sense of guilt for just being myself. I no longer had to put him first. I have no hard feelings, because i created this. Sometimes, in some situations it’s best that you take responsibility, so that you can change. So i’m taking responsibility, and letting go. Something which i should of done years ago.

Friendship wise, i’ve had to let go of people who were frankly horrible people who masqueraded themselves as angels. They preached love and compassion, but behaved in a way that showed judgement, and hatred. One thing i’ve learnt is that if people show you, who they are, believe them. I just didn’t want to believe them. I thought there was something wrong with me, rather then them having some issues that they need to sort out.

I’ve started to accept people for who they are. Whether that be as a friend who i speak to once a year, a family member who i speak to daily etc. For the first time in my life, i actually accept other peoples needs, instead of trying to force myself into trying to make relationships work. I’m now okay with letting people go, because sometimes they come back, sometimes they don’t. Either is okay. All i can do, is just be myself, the rest is up to them. You show people how to treat you, by how you treat yourself. The more i accept and fall in love with myself, the more people i accept people for who they are, the more people i build friendships with. Before i was desperate for friendships because that meant acceptance. Now i choose who is good in my life, and who isn’t.

To be truthful though, even though i am single. For the first time in my life, i have no void to fill. I am loved my so many people, wherever i am or wherever they are. A year ago it would of broke me, knowing that some of the most important people in my life are half way across the world, but not know. I know they are there, and even if we do lose touch (pretty sure we won’t), i’m secure in the fact that these people changed my life for the better, and i am happy for the time i got to spend with them.

Something which i was so afraid of, has actually been the making of me. Weird eh?

Who knew endings, letting go, and acceptance could be so wonderful?

Also, who knew this adult stuff was so hard?






For the better <3

‘The secret of change, is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but building the new’


Right now I am sitting in my window seat, eating  thinking about the how much my life has changed in the last month. Sorry, this might be a bit of an emotional post!!!

If you would of told me, at the end of August, that i would be single, happier then i had ever been (including being comfortable with me), loving life, making my flat my own, opening up and meeting some truly amazing people, and reconnecting with old friends,  i would of laughed in your face. I was so scared to rely on myself and i let others raise me, which isn’t fair on others, or myself. The last two years or so, i lost myself from the inside (family problems), and out (skin problems). There have so many times, where i was at rock bottom, where i believed people would not love or accept me, for who and what i was. Which is actually really sad. I was so blessed to have old friends who would sit, listen and snuggle in my bed when things got really bad. For that i will always be truly grateful.

The last month, i have learnt that love doesn’t come from just one person, that it comes from a range of sources, from people who love you for who you are, as long as you show them that person. I was too scared to show anyone who i was, in case it was never good enough, so i hid the corner, stayed quiet and stayed inside. I stopped doing what made me happy, like cooking, watching 1980’s moving, socialising, painting etc just to try and get people to love and accept me, which was the opposite of what i should’ve done. For so many years, i believed that to get love, i had to become this quiet, passive person. I now know this isn’t true.

Financially my life is a mess, but i’m doing something i that i love, and everyday i feel happy, because i feel like i’m being myself. A few months ago, so many changes in such a short period of time would’ve flawed me left, right and centre. i’ve been so lucky and so blessed to have not only the most amazing friends, but also to have met and developed friendships that have changed my life. It’s just mad!

For the first time in a long time, i feel like i have future, and I’m so excited to see what it holds.

I never thought change would be for the better.


Claire xxxx

Shadows, Ghosts and Apologies

I’m currently writing this from the comfort of my duvet. Right now, it’s the only place where I feel okay. However, to get that safety I have to pay a pretty hefty price: not seeing anyone, not living my life, not having fun, and just generally spiralling into a bigger hole of depression.

Right now I feel like I’m dying, in the sense that I’m losing everything I’ve ever cared about, and I feel that I can’t stop. I’m cancelling on friends, I’m in my 6th week of being signed off, I’ve had to put my course on hold, and it may sound dramatic, but nothing brings me much joy anymore, unless I force myself out. So the conundrum is, to force myself out of my bed but have a breakdown which consists of crying and sometimes screaming for about an hour but then perk up, or stay in bed happily, but then eventually reduce to a puddle of tears.

On top of the whole depression thing, my eczema has gone from non existent to severe. My legs, torso, arms, hands, neck and face have flared to the point of infection (hence the temperatures, chills, oozing and the smell of blood and ooze – pretty disgusting).

At the minute my life is on hold. I just want it to get going again.

The more depressed I’ve become the more I’ve cut back, and it hasn’t made me happy. I miss my friends a lot, but sometimes I just can’t send that reply, or meet up with them like I said I would. Depression involves a lot of loss. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ve lost enough for myself to claw my way back into the light.

love Claire

Dear Claire


Dear Claire,

I know your pretty low right now. I know your face is flaring, and you currently look like you’ve been burnt…a lot….but that’s okay. I know you feel lost. That’s okay. Some days you struggle more then others, that’s okay to.

You get lost trying the rescue and fix others, when the truth is, people have to rescue themselves. Like with you, no-one can do this but you. You can get help, yes, but it’s got to come from you. You’ve got to believe that you are good enough, that you deserve to live a good life and be happy.

Remember that person who went to university and had a breakdown. But the thing is Claire, it changed your life, that breakdown gave you a direction. Remember sitting at the computer crying, when you decided to watch Sesame Street, because since you were little you have loved everything that Jim Henson did? It was then that you decided that you wanted to help children who were struggling, even though you wanted to throw yourself out of the window? When someone is struggling like you were, it takes a special kind of person to want to help others. Even though it sucked, it changed your life for the better.

Remember, even though you were petrified and moderately depressed you were determined to go back to University because that is who you are? You wanted to make a better life for yourself, you wanted a degree, you wanted to prove to yourself that you were smart, regardless of what happened? Yeah. You did that. Remember when you were homeless? You found a way. Somehow, even though it was pretty awful, it got better, a lot better. You did that. No-one else. You made new friends, and you wrote a dissertation that you felt passionate about. When you were at University you weren’t stupid, you weren’t needy, you were you. You did things your way (including writing a neuroscience paper on literacy acquisition, when everybody else wrote a paper on the different learning methods). When you do things your way, it just works, i don;t know how or why, it just does.

Remember when you got into Tavistock? You were the youngest person on the course, bar one other person. Remember when people told you, you couldn’t hold down a job and fly over to London once a week? Well you did. Remember you were petrified about going to London? Now you love to visit, you feel that it’s your second home? You wouldn’t of dreamed that would happen, but it did Claire, it did. Remember when you moved to another job, that you had a bad feeling for? You ignored the feeling, and ultimately you left because that place was just awful, like really awful. You were unemployed for 7 months, but things worked out. You got your old job back, and you got to work with older children. Things worked out. It took a while, but you started to get into your flow, you began to teach the children, how you felt best, using props, movement and most of all a ton of fun, and it worked, Claire it worked. 3 and 4 year olds were telling their parents about orbiting, magnetic fields, and the planets in the solar system. Then you got bogged down.

You started to believe what one person said about you; that you were stuck up, that you were stupid, that your dad never wanted you, and you began to believe that you were the reason for the world’s problems and that you were a bad person. Claire, you don’t have a bad bone in your body. When people say horrible things, it’s more about them and their insecurities then it is about you, and you have a right to say that you don’t want to be around verbal abuse or physical violence, no matter what anyone says.

You began to try and counteract this negative self image by rescuing others, one person in particular, to try and get her to accept you, when in fact she became awful to you. Claire, the only person who you can rescue is you. It does you or anyone else no good when you sacrifice yourself for others, you become the victim to.

Claire. You have so much potential, it sounds corny but you can do whatever you want to, you’ve proven that over and over again. Even when things don’t work out, something better has always come along.

You got this



Rock Bottom

“When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change”

Well, where do i start.

For the last few months, it may sound strange to say, i have been losing small little pieces of myself; dressing in baggy t-shirts, losing a lot of weight (hello hip bones), not taking pride in my appearance, not sleeping, becoming scared to drive my car, becoming scared to leave the flat, and not being interested in N*Sync (whhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa!) or any other band for that matter.


Slowly but surely i lost more of myself, piece by piece, little by little. My skin started flaring on my face, my hands started flaring, i began to cry most days, and then about a month a go i began taking days off at work, one day a week. I tried to just get on with it, i really did, i’ve tried mediation, sitting with my feelings, getting out, nutritional therapies, eating right, psychotherapy, self-help books but nothing worked, and slowly but surely the hole i was in started to get deeper. There were times when i was in complete denial about how ill i was getting. The worst thing? I started believing what people had said about me months ago, and things that they were saying now, ‘bitch’, ‘it’s your fault’, ‘you think your so smart, but your an idiot’. I felt and still feel like a horrible person. Logically i know that i am not what people say, but emotionally i feel that i am a horrible person.

Last week, i was prescribed the dreaded anti-depressant, something which i’ve fought really hard not to be on, because to be honest, i feel worse on anti-depressants, as i lose the little bit of motivation i had. Anyway, i began to take them, and i feel awful about it. I keep having thoughts like ‘you’re such a failure claire’, ‘you’re not ill claire, get on with it’, ‘you’re letting yourself down’, ‘you’re pretty much useless right now’, ‘people are ill for real reasons’. On Monday, i cracked, i don’t know if it was the side effects of the pills, but i just couldn’t get out of bed. I rang work at 7.30 and i stammered as i said that i couldn’t come in. At 8am i rang the Dr’s surgery, and i’ll admit, that 3 minute phone call sucked, my appointment was at 9.30, and i had no idea if i could even get out of bed. My legs felt tired, my arms ached and i just wanted to snuggle under the duvet. I managed to slowly but surely get dressed, got into my car, and drove to the Dr’s surgery which was 5 minutes away, but it felt so much longer. Waiting sucked. I looked at my phone the whole time, wondering if people knew (looking at me, they probably did), i welled up a few times but held back. When i saw the Dr, we spoke about being signed off for a little while (a month), and staying on the tablets.

I feel like i’ve failed. i really do. The truth is, i feel lost, i don’t trust myself with anything or meeting anyone in case i start to cry or in case i say the wrong thing. I thank god that i have amazing friends who i can talk to, a boyfriend that accepts me like this, a sister who visits me pretty much everyday, and a friend who have been in a worse place then i am, but still managed to get her life back.

For me, the only way to get better is to do things that make to feel better e.g. watching a good movie, getting outside etc but at the same time you don’t have the energy to switch the dvd player on, you feel that you don’t deserve nice things, your scared to get outside. The world becomes this really scary place, even though you know where you live like that back of your hand, it becomes a really dark place, if that makes sense.


My life, for now is on hold. I have no idea what i’m going to do about the psychotherapy course, i have no idea what I am going to do about pretty much anything. I know i will get better, i just don’t know when, or how.


Claire xxxxxx

Why Everyone Deserves Love and Compassion, Including Yourself


I can be really mean to myself, like really mean. Some days when i come home from work, and the house is a mess, the voice in my head says ‘tidy the house, you lazy bitch’. Horrible right? If i’m feeling horrible and all i want is a duvet day, the voice will say something along the lines of ‘you’re such a lazy bitch’. Instead of letting others bully me, i bully myself, but the question is, if i am not productive for one day, why do i deserve to be called horrible names? The truth is, i don’t, it’s been programmed into me. It’s not just the housework, if i say something that sounds awkward, if i do anything wrong, if i have spots on my face, if my clothes don’t look right, if my skin is paler then normal, (i could go on and on) that bully voice comes back. The voice gets stronger if i’m anxious, depressed or just generally feeling crappy. The truth is though, i will never be perfect, i will always have flaws, and you know what? Those flaws make me who i am. I’m never going to please everyone, so i might as well please myself, whilst keeping others in mind. When i put myself first, it also allows me to be more loving and compassionate to others? If you’re like WHAAATTTTT, bear with me.


When you’re horrible to yourself and egging yourself to do something, it makes you feel worse, and the chances are, you won’t do it, and you will feel crappy for not doing the task that you feel you should. Berating yourself to try and do something, just doesn’t work. When you berate or put yourself down on a regular basis, you begin to neglect your needs (physical, mental, emotional etc) and ultimately you begin to rely on others to meet those needs. When you neglect your needs, you also begin to take things out on other people (whether knowingly or not), you may be extra sensitive for example. Then, you hate yourself even more for being grumpy and its just a whole crappy cycle. This is my downward spiral, and the only way for myself to break this cycle is to just stop, feel the feeling, and give myself love, compassion and acceptance. I’m a believer that there are no bad people in this world, only people who are hurting, who may or may not want help. I truly believe that this is one of my flaws, and i’m okay with that. By accepting myself, it allows me to accept others, and the more compassionate i am towards myself, the more compassionate i am to others; it’s weird how it works!

When i was really ill with depression, i said some hurtful things and pushed a lot of people away. But i did those things because i was hurting, and it what i said was more about how i was feeling about myself then how i felt about others. I am so grateful for the people who stuck around. Instead of berating myself for that time in my life, i now look back and i feel sorry for depressed Claire, how depressed Claire could not love or accept herself. I was lucky as i had amazing friends and family who loved and accepted me, when i couldn’t. There are times when i am depressed, but i know now that i have to try and give myself love, compassion and acceptance if i am ever to get out of these horrible periods. Love, compassion and acceptance is what everyone deserves.

Accepting myself and my flaws is something i will have to work on, and i will slip back into the cycle, but i will somehow get out of it. I have so many flaws, i sing a lot, i can be so messy, i can be moody, I LOVE NAPS, i like high fives, at times my skin can be covered in eczema, i’m a bit of a scatter brain and i could go on and on. Some people will accept me, and others won’t, but the most important thing is, that I accept me.






Depression – The Big Black Hole


So today, i have taken the day off work because of ‘depression’. My god i am getting so sick of that term and i hate saying it.

I’ve tried eating healthily, i’ve tried moderate exercise (walking the dog, yoga), i’ve had counselling and psychotherapy and CAT therapy, i’ve tried holistic medicine, i’ve tried normal medicine (anti depressants) and i’ve tried gene related supplements, i’ve joined Facebook groups but nothing seems to work. I’ve sat with depression, that worked temporarily, i research depression on Pubmed but nothing is working. I’m crying because i have no idea how I’m going to get out of this one. I’m scared to socialise, which i know is crazy because i have amazing friends, but I’m scared about what people think about me. I’ve been forcing myself into work and that helped but today i couldn’t do.

Today I cried whilst i crawled out of bed and forced myself out of my pyjamas and into clothes. I cried at Cinderella story the film. I cried when my mother spoke to me. I’m crying now.


I have no idea what to do. I know that anti depressants only cure the symptoms, and in the 7 years that i was on them, they didnt really help. I’ve made more progress off them then on them. With anti-depressants they numb you, they numb the highs and the lows. I don’t want to live like that, but i don’t know how to get out of this. Is this me forever? Will i have this forever?

Your body and your brain tell you to stay in bed, but to get out of it, you’ve got to ignore your body and your brain, but right now, i don’t think i can do that. The only person who can get you out of depression is yourself, but that is hard, especially when getting out of bed is a battle.

Some people say that depression is your friend. It tells you when you need to change your life, it makes you change your path. Right now that means stopping or giving up the whole psychotherapy thing, which is hard because it used to make me so happy, but now nothing really does, it’s just a numbness and all i can think about is when i can get back to bed.

I want to go back to work tomorrow, but i don’t know if i can. I just want to get well, and be in a place where i’m not depressed. I just want to give up on everything and lie in bed all day, but that won’t make me happy. When i have enough energy i will force myself out. I hope that this won’t be forever.


Love claire


I can make you hurt

The amount of power that we can unknowingly give to someone, power over your sense of self, can literally break you. Strong statement, but let me explain.

From when we are little, our sense of self is linked with others. Parents, teachers, friends telling you that you did a good job, or giving you positive attention. Ultimately what happens is that you absorb these positive experiences, and you begin to develop a positive sense of self. But what happens if what you thought were positive interactions were actually. at times, pretty traumatic. What you can do for someone else, and how you can please others becomes a desperate attempt at being worthy for this world.

Ultimately, i have this whole sense of self thing wrong. I base my sense of self on others opinions of me, particularly my mothers, and this year, and throughout my life it hasn’t exactly helped me in life. It’s hard to write about, but ultimately it is something i have to come to terms with.

This week, has been pretty crappy. Like not leaving my bed crappy. Today was the first day where i got up, made a proper breakfast for myself, got dressed and did some house work. I  am so proud of myself, but for the person who i have unfortunately given my sense of self to (which i am trying to get back), it’s not enough. For her, i am the problem, or at least i feel that i am the reason for her problem. Today, she told me that the man who has verbally assaulted me numerous times (we’re on 3/4 i think), and who tried to physically assault me, was going to drop a plant around (seriously love get your own damn plant). I’ll be honest, even though i shouldn’t be, i am petrified of this man. Even though mum has witnessed these conversations, and the altercation, and we both know that i have never sworn or assaulted him, even though i have raised my voice (i know i’m far from perfect), she still blames me. There is the horrible comment here or there, ‘you deserved….’then stopping mid sentence, ‘i am so unhappy because you won’t let me be with him’ and the newest one, as my brother told me ‘i’ll have a stroke because i’m so unhappy because you 3 won’t let me see him’. Can i just say, i have said numerous times that she is her own person, and can do whatever she wants, but that i do not want to see that man, as frankly i don’t deserve that crap. So 10 minutes before he arrives she tells me, i say okay, and she mumbles something under her breath (probably something along the lines of it’s my house etc), it makes me so mad. As the cars go past the house, i listen intently waiting for this car, i don’t want them to, but my hands are shaking. I have told her, how i feel, but to her it doesn’t matter, i wish i could say her feelings don’t matter to me. He pulls the car round, and i hide in the garden, as i refuse to go in and hide (but my brain thinks hiding outside is a bit better!). He stays for around 20 minutes, but it feels so much longer. I also don’t understand why she couldn’t of picked up the fucking plant herself!

I don’t understand how a mother can do this. I don’t understand how a mother can guilt trip you. I don’t understand why a mother would be so vile to her children, then expect them to be okay. No i’m not doing it. I am so fed up of this woman. I am fed up of how she treats me, i am fed up of her tantrums, I am fed up of how she treats other people, i am fed up of how she talks about other people. I am fed up of her. She lies excessively, she makes you feel that you owe her your life because she raised you, she blames you for things that you weren’t even there for, i could go on and on and on. It’s just bull shit. Absolute bull shit. It’s not right. She has a lot of issues, but ones i have stopped trying to fix. I used to think she was everything, now i realise that actually, she’s not. I’ve tried to make her happy, i’ve tried a lot, but i will never make her accept me, she will never pay attention to who i am, she will always criticise, and frankly my opinion of her, particularly today is at rock bottom, and i am allowed that opinion. But i also think that even though she is pretty mean, she must of had a similar experience, and not been valued as a child (hello psychotherapist training!).


So how do i cope with this? Realise that actually i am enough and i am doing the best i can. I work hard, i care, i accept and i love. During a panic attack she said that i was too sensitive, but i’m okay with that. That’s who i am, and if she can’t accept it that’s fine, and if i am the reason behind her problems, then that’s fine to, as soon as i can, i won’t be in her life.




Claire xxxxx