I’ll be honest, i’m a bit of an anxious mess, but for a variety of different reasons. It’s horrible because i have so much college work to do which i have put off (due to anxiety) which in itself creates more and more anxiety.
The patterns of behaviour you learn aren’t necessarily the patterns that make you the happiest. Just because it is familiar, doesn’t necessarily make it true, or make you the happy.
I received my pay cheque for the month of December, and i cried. I have no idea how i’m going to afford to feed myself. I am so lucky in that i will always have roof of my head and food to eat. I got myself into this position myself due to the fact that i was too scared to move on and too scared to actually say ‘i am worth more then this’, and albeit ‘settling’. Until now, that is how i’ve lived my life, in a familiar safe place that made me unhappy but never changed.
I’m not ashamed to say last year i was really ill with severe eczema, and the psychological impact of the was huge. It dented my confidence a lot. I took a week off in January, and due to stress a few days off in the summer. My boss was suggesting that i change to a zero hour contract because and i quote ‘the stress on your colleagues is too much’ (this was a lie, it wasn’t). I felt awful and guilty, even though there was nothing to feel guilty for. So, my boss badgered and badgered me to write a letter, so i did, just saying that i would be happy to go down to a zero hour contract, and sign a letter. She made me do this within 24 hours. I was did not realise i signed something which meant i had unintentionally resigned from my job role, and that it was either a zero hour contract or nothing. I wish i had taken the time to speak to someone else about this. I wasn’t in the right mindset and stupidly believed my boss had my best interests at heart, which she pretended she did. But i understand her business comes first but at the same time don’t masquerade as pretending to care when you don’t. She wanted to save money basically, and the person who she hired she hired was on less money then me and had less hours. It’s such crap.
Anyway, i very much underestimated my worth, because i have worked here for 5+ years, so i allowed myself to get screwed over. I go far and beyond my job role, and i can do so much more. Instead though, i just kept trying to prove myself instead of doing what i thought was best. Now, nearing January i am so frustrated that i didn’t know my worth, all because my job was familiar. I’ve very much learnt that you show you’re worth to others, they will not raise your worth unless you them that you’re worthy of it…if that makes sense.
So yeah….i got myself into this position. But i also did the same in relationships.
I stuck with the same thing, regardless of how i was treated because it was familiar. Safe but miserable.
I probably shouldn’t be writing this but screw it i will. My mum throughout my life has chosen men that haven’t exactly been the nicest to me. Okay they have been vile pieces of shit!
The crazy thing is though, She will drop anything to be with them, and when they’re busy will rely on me to spend time with her. Yes, it’s not about me, but it still hurts….it still hurts that on Boxing day, she preferred to spend it with a man who i went to the damn police about because his daughter didn’t want to spend it with him! Again, i guess i’m going back to what is familiar, not will make me happy.
I think for 2018….my resolution will be to know my Worth. Screw it, i’m going to channel my inner beyonce haha!