So for my therapy, i had to write a letter to my 16 year old self. My Hautlieu years had an affect on me. I feel that now i am actually healing. I am going to the dr about a diabetes test, i am going to a holistic dr and i am going to a therapist.
So here is my letter:
Well. Where do is start? Right now I want to curl in a ball and sleep, instead of writing this letter but here goes.
My Hautlieu years have pretty much followed me around like a big shadow, and frankly they don’t need to be. 2 years is such a short and insignificant time compared with an average persons life.
Dear 16 year old Claire,
First off these 2 years will be hard. You will experience beareavment, rejection, failure and you pretty much have to fight for your self-esteem, which you didn’t. You let others tell you that you were ugly and stupid, and you absorbed it. You thought you were different and insignificant, but your not.
First off Biology- At the age of 25 you still love this subject, so don’t let one class put you off a whole subject. Mr Swanwick teaches in a particular way, one that means you don’t absorb the information because of your Dyslexia (Yeah, you will find that out at University – yes you do go). As Einstein said, ‘Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish by it’s ability to climb a tree, he will always fail’. You do not learn by copying off a board, and that’s okay. Often the grade reflects the teacher, not the ability of the student. As a 25 year old woman, if you were given another teacher, you would have done better. But remember, a grade of a paper does not define who you are. It will take you a long time to understand this. The unfortunate thing is that you rely on external sources for your self-esteem. That only ends in failure. Then there is Chemistry. Mr Falle is a douche. End of. He wouldn’t let you try, because he wanted to keep the grade average up, and didn’t want people reducing the grade point average.
On top of your dyslexia, you also have something else affecting your learning, something which is still affecting you today. Brain Fog. Yeah this is real thing. You know those stomach pains, stomach noises, diarrhea etc? Yeah that’s due to ibs and because your intolerant to wheat and dairy. When you eat wheat your brain can’t think straight. You will only find this out in the last years of you’re a levels. You could also be diabetic, but I’m waiting for those tests. Your body is also addicted to steroids which causes, yeah you guessed it headaches. Brainfog, tiredness etc. All these things meant that you were pretty much set up to fail. But you didn’t. This included your driving test. You passed on the 3rd time. This was due to anxiety, not due to your ability. Your not stupid compared with your friends, you just learn differently.
You will become scared of food. Scared that everything will make you ill. You will eat healthily but that included sandwiches and soups which contained wheat and dairy, so you will live off chewing gum. This fear of food will carry on till you have a break down at 18/19. Please see a dr earlier. You are ill. It’s not your fault.
Then there’s that one person, Lauren. The one who makes jokes about how stupid you are, about how ugly you are and jokes about pretty much all your flaws. The thing is Claire, she is just jealous. She is obese and short. The funny thing is, she will be the first person (except Kelly) to have a baby. You will achieve a MA degree, she won’t. You will achieve a 1st, she will achieve a 2nd. These 2 years, don’t have to define you but you let them. You let people define you, and that’s where the problem lies.
That boy you were crazy over? Yeah, he is pretty much is a douche. He isn’t interested, and will string you along for the next year. But he isn’t all that. He is balding and short and greasy. You wanted him to like you so much because you thought no-one else would find you attractive. You will think o-one else will ever want you. That’s not true. It never was and never will be. You will think that everyone else is above you. The truth is, no-one is. You are all going through the same times. The girls you want to be friends with? Well to be honest, you’re not friends with them for a reason. You love education and finding out everything, whilst they may prefer to spend their time on fashion or something that you find uninteresting. You will meet people who make you feel good about yourself, who will respect you (bar Karen’s husband Ricardo, but that’s his problem, not yours’) and care for you. You will meet a man who will change your life. You will be horrible to him because of all the hurt, but he will just love you more. And fortunately you will learn how to deal with it. You never thought a man could find you attractive, or love you, but you did and you.
Then there’s mum. I promise you, you can live without her, and that she can live without you. You can. You are not tied to her. The truth is, you are scared to be without her. Scared that no-one will support you. But, again the truth is, she is unintentionally telling you that you will fail. She will say you will pass, but act differently. You’re self-esteem is so entwined with her, it’s unhealthy. You let her views of you be your self-esteem, like she is a part of you. But she’s not a part of you. You’re a separate entity .
Then there’s your biological dad. Again your self-esteem is entwined with him and his actions. He will never be proud of you. But that’s not your fault. That’s his. He has got so many issues, and he takes them out on you. He was never supportive, he is just a narcisstic emotional abuser. Even now, he has told you jokingly that ‘Your boyfriend had better watch out as you will be studying forever’. But what if you are? What does that matter? Education makes you feel good about yourself, well bar these 2 years. He is just looking for someone to take things out on
Then there’s the anxiety that comes with having your self-esteem entwined with external sources. You won’t believe in yourself. You will believe that without others, you will be helpless. That’s not true. You will worry that you will be left in town, with no way to get home. You will worry about stepping on a bus with pompus private school students. You will worry about food. You will worry about people liking you. You will worry that your disgusting. You will worry about everything. You will worry about being in an exam hall. You will worry about your stomach moaning in an exam (not your fault by the way). You will worry that someone won’t like you because you have different interests. You will unnecessarily worry about worrying. You won’t be the only one who finds Hautlieu hard, and does worse than they could of done. Many people will move to Highlands and get the equivalent of 3 A’s. It’s not you. You will try so hard at Biology that you let will let Philosophy and Psychology slip. 2 subjects that to this day, you will enjoy.
These 2 years only matter, as they will get you into university. But think before applying. You will feel forced to apply to Uni. Will feel that if you take a year out that you will be a failure. That’s what happens when you base your self-esteem on other sources. The truth is, you are not yet ready to go to University, not ready to separate from Mum, and that’s okay. You will do. Not everything has to be done now.
Last of all. You will be okay. You will find love. You will find happiness and you will find self-esteem. It’s cheesy but you will find your wings.
Also Happy 4 month Topical Steroid Withdrawal Anniversary to and itchy me🙂