Right now i should be reading about Endings in a therapeutic sense, but all i can think about right now, and all i can concentrate on is letting go of people and the ending of relationships. So to hell with it. I’m writing this, then going back to reading. In the weirdest sense, i have to clear out what i’m thinking to be able to actually focus on everything else.
Since September, endings have kind of followed me wherever i go. Whether it be a friendship ending, a career ending, a long term relationship ending. But these endings have strangely brought some acceptance, and even freedom.
A little while ago, i could not cope with endings. To me endings meant that a part of me died. Quite a dramatic statement but it’s true. I relied on so many people for my sense of self, for my happiness, and for my general well-being. When i lost someone, i also lost part of myself, which ultimately, i would then have to find again, whether that be from someone else or within myself. I could not understand that when i gave someone everything, they would just leave, pretend i didn’t exist, and show me that i meant nothing to them. The weird thing is, i get it. A needy person can be so overwhelming. A needy person, can emotionally suck you dry. That WAS me. I don’t blame them for leaving.
I think i should get extra points for adding a Halloween type reference, on halloween…..
Anyway, this neediness also showed others how they could treat me. That they could disrespect me, use me, take advantage of me, and i would believe that’s okay. Ultimately the person I relied on for my sense of self, saw me as a blank shell, someone who they could tell what to do. This ladies and gentlemen, was my 10 year relationship, and i take responsibility for that. I just wanted someone to love me, to fill the void, but ultimately it just created a bigger void. The more i rebelled, the more he rebelled, and once someone loses respect for you, it’s hard to get that back, and for my sake, i don’t want it.
When he left, i felt such a sense of relief. I no longer had to be this person that i had created, to keep him. I no longer had to pretend that i was helpless to get him to love me. I no longer had to pretend that i was unattractive, to get him to love me. I no longer had to look after him and do everything for him, to get him to love me. I no longer had to feel inadequate. I no longer felt a sense of guilt for just being myself. I no longer had to put him first. I have no hard feelings, because i created this. Sometimes, in some situations it’s best that you take responsibility, so that you can change. So i’m taking responsibility, and letting go. Something which i should of done years ago.
Friendship wise, i’ve had to let go of people who were frankly horrible people who masqueraded themselves as angels. They preached love and compassion, but behaved in a way that showed judgement, and hatred. One thing i’ve learnt is that if people show you, who they are, believe them. I just didn’t want to believe them. I thought there was something wrong with me, rather then them having some issues that they need to sort out.
I’ve started to accept people for who they are. Whether that be as a friend who i speak to once a year, a family member who i speak to daily etc. For the first time in my life, i actually accept other peoples needs, instead of trying to force myself into trying to make relationships work. I’m now okay with letting people go, because sometimes they come back, sometimes they don’t. Either is okay. All i can do, is just be myself, the rest is up to them. You show people how to treat you, by how you treat yourself. The more i accept and fall in love with myself, the more people i accept people for who they are, the more people i build friendships with. Before i was desperate for friendships because that meant acceptance. Now i choose who is good in my life, and who isn’t.
To be truthful though, even though i am single. For the first time in my life, i have no void to fill. I am loved my so many people, wherever i am or wherever they are. A year ago it would of broke me, knowing that some of the most important people in my life are half way across the world, but not know. I know they are there, and even if we do lose touch (pretty sure we won’t), i’m secure in the fact that these people changed my life for the better, and i am happy for the time i got to spend with them.
Something which i was so afraid of, has actually been the making of me. Weird eh?
Who knew endings, letting go, and acceptance could be so wonderful?
Also, who knew this adult stuff was so hard?